27 on 27

"A birthday blog post?! But he hasn't posted anything in months! Why now?" 

You wake up early and buy yourself a dozen doughnuts. That says something about you, doesn't it. I thought the free coffee would do something, but it didn't. I got new speakers for my PC that I've been considering for days. They work great, but still nothing. People greeted me online, sending short messages. Mostly family, which I loved because I miss all my cousins and siblings back in the Philippines. Even those in different parts of the globe, also away from our homeland. Friends, most of whom I rarely talk to anymore. Their busy with their own lived and can't be bothered to just chill at home and chat. I understand that. Acquaintances from college,  sure. Either they got a  Facebook notification or remembered it, I said thanks to all of them. I mean, what else was I supposed to say?

"Oh gee, I would love to accept your wish for happiness on this day. But I guess I'd have to gloss over the fact that you buggered off from my life years ago."

Sure, maybe I'm looking into it too much. Maybe they don't mean anything by it. But excuse me for having second thoughts about being fake happy for someone who wouldn't care less if I got hit by a truck a week ago. They decided they don't want to talk to me anymore, months (years, even) pass, then they suddenly pop up out of nowhere. Maybe I should have blocked them, but that would seem petty of me. Bitter, salty, whatever. So no, I didn't do that. Boy, was I mistaken. Now I got these feelings that I'm sure I shoved down a vault of "Things to Avoid Like the Plague." It sucks. It spoiled the already uneventful day.

 "But shouldn't you be happy on your birthday? You should be out celebrating!"

I would love to, but what's the point? It's just one day where people who barely know you anymore feign appreciation for your existence. People who I once thought would be there for me, but decided to bail on me for whatever they found easier. I may have caused some of them to leave. Like my childhood friend who I adored. I had to go and fuck up the friendship by being a massive douchebag and act all entitled. Then there's the only girlfriend I had. I say that because she was the only one that I felt was actually invested in the relationship as much as I was. But I had to go and fuck that up as well by choosing a high school crush over the only person who actually wanted to be with me. So yeah, I feel like not a lot of people actually mean what they say when they wish me a "happy" birthday. It feels forced, obligated, insincere. I don't see a point in all this.

So I'm sorry if I come off as a cynic.

I'm already 27, but look where I am. While most people my age are excited to have families and shit, I feel like that stuff would ruin me more. My history of fucking up relationships made me realize that maybe I'm not cut out to be with anyone long-term. Relatives will probably start asking when will I get married, have kids, etc. And the answer is no. Never. I already have a brother who will pass on the family name, so what's the use? I'll be fine, probably. It'll suck not having someone to come home to every night, who will support me when I'm down. But honestly, who would do that for a shitty person like me? So no, I resigned myself to the fact that I might die alone. But if you think about it, we all do.

I'm 27 years old, and honestly...I didn't think I'd live this long. I imagined in my mind that I would have gotten some weird disease that will end me before I reach 30. Or a horrible accident. Or someone who hates me finally decides to kill me. I dunno. I had it in my head that if I died, that's it. I would love to say "No regrets," but my entire quarter-century run has been nothing but regrets. I've made tons of decisions that were poorly weighed upon. I would still be with my ophthalmologist girlfriend, I would have gotten my license here faster, I would have been so much better. But all those chances have passed.

So here's to another year of failed attempts and missed chances.

The Wedding Singer

So lately I've been thinking about things. After recently getting started in the career a path that I spent years studying for (and plenty more years of waiting and struggling), it dawned upon me what comes next after this. I've been planning to get a better car, one that wont die on me, and a place to call my own. I was fortunate enough to have relatives who were kind enough to let me stay in their home. But still, I figured I should get on with it since I can afford it now. But other than the things I could get with the salary I'm currently going on, I started thinking about the things that I might not get. And I'm a bit worried that I'm not as worried as I should be.

A decent job, a nice car, a house of my own. You know what comes next. But I never really was myself as someone anyone would settle for. Sure, I like the idea that someone out there yearns to live the rest of their lives with some guy like me, but I always end up thinking they could do better.

And they can.

The only people I know that would be likely to stick around long enough to make it official aren't exactly the people who are with me right now. It would be great, seeing as they've spent years of their lives with me, but I just dont see them actually saying yes to "will you spend the rest of your life with me?" They knew me as I was back in my childhood. I was a decent kid but who I was before is WAY different from who I am now. The things I know, want, and need. What I see in a person. Completely different. Between childhood me and current me, teenager me was a douche. He was the reason a lot of people arent talking to me right now. Thinking with the wrong head, he pretty much messed up future chances that I could be taking advantage of right now. Fuck you, teenage me! You suck!

So I've had this idea that marriage isnt for me, that I'll be fine on my own and that being tied to someone will just weigh me down and add responsibilities that could be easily avoided. What I dont get is how others can easily decide to do so and be as happy as they can be. I know a lot of friends now that got recently married, and I'm not dissing them for doing so. I just find it odd that they'd do it that early. But maybe that's just me. Maybe they did find their partner and want to make sure it stays that way.

Fuck if I know!

I ruined all the relationships I've been in and as far as I'm concerned, I'm not willing to even date myself. So maybe it really isn't for me.

But why did I start considering WHO I'll want to marry? Old flames, past relationships, childhood crushes. I started to dream of it, think of it on my drive home at 11 in the evening. Was it all the songs I listen to and go "Oh yeah, that would make a great wedding song." Maybe all the movies, TV shows, novels, posts, pictures, etc. that seemed to depict married life as some haven?

I'm well aware that not every marriage is a good one, and that more often then we want it to, it destroys lives. So what's up with me wanting something that I clearly am not ready for, something I know I wont be good at, and something that poses a threat to how I live my life now? Not that my life is great and all that. It's peaceful, uneventful, stable, routine. No other factors to consider. Just me.

So why? Is it because I'm nearing 30 and still single? Is it the fact that I cant hold a stable relationship without the other leaving for a better partner?

You don't have the right.

It seems that every time someone complains about something, there will always be those who say,

"Oh, boohoo! I'm sure someone else is having it harder than you, so shut the fuck up!" 

And they're not wrong to say that. It's completely logical to say that someone else is struggling with something much more devastating and life-changing than most. But does that mean we can't acknowledge that someone was suffering? We, as human beings, live because we go through challenges and obstacles, some harder than others. We all have our problems, we deal with them the best way we can, and we try to get others to understand that it is a problem for us.

"You're rich/successful/etc., you shouldn't be complaining so much. Just suck it up and don't whine like a baby." 

I can see why people would be quick to chastise them, seeing as they're better off than most, and they seem to be living decently anyways. But do we really need to mock someone who is clearly distraught, especially when it is warranted and something that gravely affects their lives? Of course there are those who get upset over the smallest things, stuff that don't even make sense to be upset about. But when someone gets slandered for something seriously bothering them, it doesn't sit well with me. It shouldn't sit well with anyone.

"He's complaining about not getting (large amount of something), while I only get (marginally lesser amount of something)! Fuck off, mate!"

Okay, I get it. You don't get as much as he does, but what seems larger for you could still be affecting them just as much. A loss is a loss, and having your work go unrecognized, and not get the proper exposure, that makes your work lose meaning. It drives you to say, "What the fuck?! I worked hard on this, and I'm not getting the credit I should be getting. This is bullshit!"  And it sucks when, despite being upset about it, people go about criticizing you and shaming you for ever being upset that something isn't going in your favor.

Yes, not everything will go according to plan, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be openly fumed about it. It shows that you care for what you do, and that it is a serious matter that needs attention. When something affects more than one person, it's not usually the one at the top making statements about it not going right. Most of the time, they point to others who clearly have no control over it, and blame them. But in some rare occasions, you see the people with the proper means to deliver a message, a way to communicate to everyone that something isn't going well, and most of the time they mean it so that everyone can regain what was lost and hope to fix the problem by bringing it to light.

So yes, not everyone's problem is as big as yours is, but it is a problem nonetheless. No need to belittle the stress and frustrations on others, just because it doesn't measure up to yours. It's their struggle and loss, and acknowledging that people have do deal with their own set of circumstances, regardless of how well off or despondent they are, makes for a better chance of people working together to solve problems.

What now?!

I wish I had enough time and ideas to write more. I believe I can make this a good way for me to get myself out there, develop a presence if you will. But the real world has been cruel and unforgiving and just wont let me be happy.

I recently took a license exam, one that would help skyrocket my quality of living here in the US. It's been years since I first started this process, with lots of rejections and bullshit. Having graduated outside of the country, I had to go through flaming hoops just to be accepted to take the test. I even had to move states for this to happen. It took longer than it should have, and not one particular party was solely responsible for it. It wasn't helping that people were expecting great things from me, saying how smart and talented I am. Which wasn't true at all. I'm average at best, and I know that well. I'm not a brilliant person, I just managed to go through all that by the skin of my teeth. I barely made it out of there alive. And I still am clinging by the tips of my fingers. The stresses have been bombarding me lately and I reckon my mental health is in dire need of attention. This exam could have helped me gain confidence in myself, and made the uncertainty of tomorrow fade.

But the end result wasn't the one I was hoping for. 

I failed. 

It sucks, because I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and this was supposed to be what would help me out of this situation I am in. Regret is the least of the feelings I have right now. But I can't say I'm surprised at all. Things haven't been going well for a long time now, why should this be any different. This is just another bullet to the long list of mistakes and failures that have been piling up. It makes one think that maybe this isn't for me. Maybe I should just quit and do something else. I'm currently in a fit of quiet despair.  

Yet I still believe that I do deserve it, and that I shouldn't just quit like this. I have people supporting me since I got here, and I don't want to let them down. They shouldn't be the only driving force in my attempt to better my life. I really do want to help others and I know that I can do good in the profession I chose. I adapted before, took a job that wasn't glamorous and financially fulfilling but I did it nonetheless because I had to. The expectations will always be there. I hate it, and I know that I should tell them to stop putting so much pressure on me and putting me on such high regards. The overthinking and anxiety isn't going away. But I have to push through. Just like I did before, by the skin of my teeth, down to the last bullet, up to the last minute.

I plan to take that damn test again, although I want to better prepare for it. I thought that studying on my own, after years of being out of the field, would suffice. But it didn't, and I have myself to blame for it as well. I could point fingers on a lot of people, but it was ultimately me who failed. I should own up to that mess, and learn to live with it.

So what now? I decided that the moment I saw that four-letter word. I will take on this task once more, and hopefully I will be better equipped to deal with it and move past it and get on with the dreams I had for myself and those that were there for me.

As a wise man once said, 

"Water can flow, water can crash. Be water, my friend." 

On Having a Good Trip

I've been meaning to write about my recent trip back home to the Philippines. It's been 4 years since I left, hopeful of making a name for myself and starting my life here. Looking back, I realize how much I missed while I was gone. How much has changed.

The main reason I went home was to attend my younger sister's college graduation. She was the last one of my siblings to finish college. I was planning on going home mid-March till early April, but plans change and things happen. I ended up going much later, attending a cousin's wedding as well.

The airplane rides left much to be desired, but I guess I shouldn't complain because they were cheap fares. More than anticipated were the hours spent sitting down, waiting and just dealing with whom I was stuck with for most of the flights. A book. some movies, food, and sleep helped out at least.

I arrived really late into the night, but my siblings and cousins were eager to see me. It felt good, knowing that someone was waiting. Soon as we left the airport, we grabbed food to eat and late night cups of coffee. That was when I started seeing just how different everything was. Buildings that weren't there now towered over the roads. What was once nothing but some foot bridges, now covered in concrete highways suspended by large, thick columns of the same material. I looked around as we drove down, heading towards home.

At least the house was as I remembered it, though 4 years did a number on it. My old room, which I shared with my brothers, still the same. Same wall paint color, same vinyl flooring, but the roof was worse than I last saw it.

After settling in, getting my bearings, and adjusting to the heat, I managed to feel at home again. Then it was day after day of going places I used to go, and doing things I used to do. One of which was using the public transit. Though some routes were changed, it was more or less what I was used to back in college. I missed that feeling, the open aired jeepneys, the smell of the inside of a van, the cramped closeness of the trains. There's nothing like it.

Another thing I missed was the food. A lot of the stuff I missed were home-cooked meals, street foods, and things considered local to the places I went to. Though I wish I had more time to eat more of the stuff I wanted, I couldn't really get to them as I hoped I would. I just hope they'll be there when I come back again.

I did say that I came back to attend events, and that meant meeting old acquaintances and seeing people I havent spoken to in almost half a decade. I did meet some of them, glad to know that they're doing well. There are a few that I would love to have met again, but I realize that it's for the best that I don't let old flames rekindle. They've moved on, probably forgot I exist, maybe even erased me from their lives entirely. That's fine. Only one of us needs to remember.

Then there were those who came waltzing back in, thinking things will be the same as they used to be before I left. Things should have gone better, but again, I think it's for the best I dont reconnect with them.

All in all, it was a good trip. I had a great time, honestly. I wish I didnt have to attend so many things, but maybe next time I'll try for a trip without any. Maybe even do it when it isn't so damn hot. Maybe I'll meet with someone, and things might pick up from where we left off, maybe not.

Who knows? Won't know till we get there.

Japanese Boxing and Sunflowers Facing the Sun

Oh man, it's been so long since I last wrote something. I guess one reason would be because I havent really found anything to write about in a long while, nor did I have that much time. BULLSHIT! I was just lazy and put off writing anything I wanted to and forgot about them! To anyone who still fancies blogs like these, and actually wanted to read the stuff I post, I apologize for the delay! I have no excuses for being so lazy about this. (But didn't I just give excuses?)

Well, anyway...I wanted to say my piece about one of my all time favorite anime series, Hajime no Ippo. Despite not having any real interest in becoming a boxer myself, this series really speaks to me. The pursuit of becoming a man, a strong man, a man with a will that cant be broken. Everybody loves an underdog story right?

If you've been following the series like I am, you probably watched this particular part I'm about to gush over. The part I'm talking about is the story of Nekota and Kamogawa, two prominent trainers in the Kamogawa gym. These four episodes follows after Takamura's win against Eagle, and it highlights the start of a vow between Nekota and Kamogawa and another person.

A younger Kamogawa, Yuki, and young Nekota during postwar Japan. 

The story sets off with Kamogawa and Nekota being prizefighters residing in Tokyo, just after the war between the Japanese and American, and the aftermath of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Living off what they can scrounge up day after day, they became talented fighters. But once an American showed up, beating Japanese fighters to a pulp, things got heated. 

Look at that smug motherfucker. 

Suffice to say, Kamogawa and Nekota weren't having none of it, being degraded and looked down. This is where they meet Yuki, a survivor of the Hiroshima bombing who wen to Tokyo. She said that the people of Tokyo gave her hope and strength, seeing how they rose up after the war. It was heartbreaking when she confessed to Kamogawa her situation and why she chose to stay with the two of them, having nowhere else to go. 

Kamogawa and Nekota were rivals and best friends, and their strength as fighters were the best they could be. Kamogawa relied on his strength and will, while Nekota was much more surgical and agile. They both excelled inside the ring, almost like they're trying to kill each other, but their bond was stronger than any other. 

But tragically, after a bout with his friend, Nekota finally succumbed to being punch drunk. It was excruciating for Nekota, not only because of the pain and suffering it caused, but being unable to show or even mention to Kamogawa that it was their last fight that led to his condition. Kamogawa only found out about the condition when Yuki mentioned it to him, but he completely understood why Nekota kept quiet about it only after he was beaten by the American. 

This led to Kamogawa having the drive to fight against the man who put his friend to a coma, but more than that, he didn't want to look weak in front of these two individuals who were fighting their own battles, Yuki and Nekota, showing ultimate resolve and an iron will to survive. Kamogawa risked his life to fight as hard as his friends did, and won. 

Having shattered both his hands during his final battle, Kamogawa can no longer fight inside the ring, Instead, Kamogawa resolved that he will be the one to sow the seeds, having someone inherit his spirit, and his fists, and that the vow will be complete once he accomplished to send that successor to the highest peak. 

Iron Fist and God of Wind.

One could say that Takamura is that successor Kamogawa has been looking for, but he himself denied this. He said that Takamura would have gotten them even without his help. He never really inherited his iron will, his samurai spirit. That's where Ippo comes in. The story moved Ippo and drove him forward to become part of that promise to Yuki. His hands will be the one to carry the fighting spirit Yuki, Nekota, and Kamogawa shared. Fight on Ippo! For Yuki!

Ombrophile

This was the closest I could get to what I wanted as a title for my entry. Ombrophile is a term associated with plants who thrive in the rain. I don't know much about the word, but it certainly describes a certain type of people who enjoy the rain. Not just being in the rain, but the entirety of it.

The sound of raindrops clinking and clanking against everything it falls onto, the smell of the moist air, drifting along as the breezes carry it throughout the fields. The chill in the air as you walk by, the way each drop tickles the skin like microscopic kisses from the heavens. The sight of the mist faintly framing your surroundings, giving it a certain glow against the overcast sky.

Moreover, it's also the feelings of nostalgia, longing,  and melancholy, among many others, that make the rain that much special to some people. Many things have happened on a rainy day. Many coffee cups were shared, many warm embraces were given, many tears were shed. We can all agree that the rain reminds us of certain people, certain places, and certain events that impacted us in a way only we hold as significant.

I love the rain because it takes me back to a lot of things that have made an impression in me that I can only clearly remember whenever it pours down. The coldness of the atmosphere whilst being pressed against someone I once loved, your arms wrapped around each other as we held each other close, watching people shuffling inside that crammed bus. The slippery pavement as I walked home, with bags in tow, coming home from a long day in college, almost falling asleep from exhaustion. The way each droplet dances against the big glass walls of the coffee shop as I wait for my warm cup of coffee, while a past love clings to me, sharing the warmth of each other's smile and company. The sound of tires rolling down the road as I sat one evening in a jeepney as it made its way through the city, heading toward home where my siblings and parents wait for me.

But it's not only the things that the rain does that holds a special meaning to me, but what it leaves behind as well. The overcast sky, not too bright and not too dark, emulates how I express myself often. The glistening of everything the rain had touched, droplets slowly drying up as the sky gives way to sunlight. Rainbows in the sky, painting a joyous sight, as if the world itself is trying to cheep you up. I guess the reason I love the rain is the fact that it passed and encourages one that this too shall pass, and a bright light will soon right after.

Oh how I love the rain, and everything it brings along with it.

When Cartoons Made More Sense

An episode of Adventure Time aired on September 2, 2013 titled "Earth and Water" and was the third episode related to Finn and Flame Princess' break up.

As far as writing goes, this episode was great. I mean you'd think it's just an innocent cartoon with randomly simple plots, but no. To the unobservant eye, yes. Yet if you pay attention and actually piece things together you'd be surprised with how much of life it actually portrays. Mind you, the setting of this cartoon is post-apocalyptic Earth where a lone human boy has to fend for himself. Sure, it has its moments of odd and crazy episodes, but it gives you major feels sometimes.

The reason I wanted to delve into this particular episode is because of how things turned out between Finn and Flame Princess. I'm pretty sure that if you're a fan of Adventure Time, you know what happened. I see a lot of people rooting for FP and actually praising her for what she did. And I respect that. I actually loved the character development and the fact that she overthrew her tyrant of a father.

On the other hand, I feel that Finn got bashed real bad. I noticed on the Frost & Fire episode that the reason Finn wanted things to go his way was because Jake told him about the Cosmic Owl and how important it was to know what the dream meant. Had Finn been more calm about it, I think things wouldn't have gone the way they did. Maybe the Cosmic Owl did have something important for Finn, but because of his actions, it only warned him that he would "blow it," as Ice King pointed out later on. I just wish Finn would be able to handle it a lot better than he did with Princess Bubblegum.

But to be honest, the real reason I wanted to write about this was because of the personal events that transpired prior to me watching this episode. As you might know from reading this blog, my relationships haven't been top notch. In fact, one might say that I blew it.

And yes, I have come to realize that. And here's a new one for ya! I realized that the moment I chose one over the other. Right at that moment, I knew I chose the wrong one. No, nothing was wrong about her. Just that she wasn't who I'm supposed to be with, and she deserved someone better. I realized that she once left me and that should have been enough. But I was foolish enough to think that this time around, it'll be different.

There were times I thought that she ultimately did what she did because all she wanted was to ruin me. Whether or not that was her intention, it did ruin me. So much so that neither one of them would ever want me ever again. But I told myself that neither of them were at fault. It was all me, I was to blame for what I did. And I accepted that.

But to think that after all this time, after pushing me away when all I wanted was to talk, my first girlfriend contacted me and wanted to be friends. I already knew that I don't have a chance with her anymore, yet here I was, hopeful. But I knew what she was going to say and I did what would ultimately be beneficial for the both of us. I just asked her to leave things as it is. She's happy and that's all that matters. I never want to hurt any of them as much as I did already.

"YOU BLEW IT, MAN!"

Oh, how those four words would resonate in my mind ever so often. A reminder of what could have been, and how I wasted it on making stupid decisions. Never again will I do that.

Searching For Father [Chichi wo Motomete]

This song really speaks to me. I first heard this when I was a kid, not knowing what it meant, but still it felt like it was something very dear to me. As I grew older, I began to search for what it meant and needless to say, it was something that really made the connection I had for this show even greater. It was a song about waiting till father was back, being strong till that day, looking forward to seeing him again after being apart for so long. Overcoming everything in your path, till the day you stand before your father as a man.

Growing up, my father wasn't home most of the time, but for the right reason. He worked overseas as a seaman, on a ship to a place I never knew or have been to. But me and my brothers knew that he was doing it for our sake and that we wouldn't be living the way we did had he not gone.We never resented him for it, we were proud of him. We always thought he was off to some big adventure in the vast oceans. We thought it was cool that our father did something different than an office job. But still, being away most of the time and only getting to spend a few months together takes its toll.

So, in a way, what Steve, Big Bert, and Little John felt was something me and my two older brothers felt as well. We see our friends with their dads, doing stuff that we only got to do amongst ourselves. Loads of "Father and Son" activities we couldn't go to. Lots of awards only my mom got to hang around our necks. But I'd thank my mom for raising us well too, but it also made us stronger knowing that as we grew up, we had to take care of things in our father's stead. Much like how the three brothers fought off aliens and grew both as brothers and individuals, I believe that we too grew together and despite how we feel about each other at times, the brotherhood will still hold fast. I'm proud to say that we've become men our parents would be proud of.

That's one of the reasons Voltes V will always be my favorite show because of the fact that my brothers and I can relate to the Armstrong brothers so well. I'm sure of that. And this song will forever hit me in the right places and have a special place for me.

English Translation

There will be a tomorrow
when even this little bird that turned from his parents
can someday return to their kind bosom, right?
Yet why can't I even meet father's shadow?
Am I going to cry?  No way, I'm a man.
I believe, I believe in that day,
the day I embrace my father in my arms.

Someday the flowers of the field and grass of the rainy season
shall meet someone.
Perhaps there will come a day I can say so.
Yet why doesn't happiness come?
Am I going to cry? No way, I'm a man.
I shall endure. I shall bear and wait for that day to come,
the day when I can hold father's hand and laugh with him.

Someday the winds shall sweep away
the clouds hung over the crescent moon
Perhaps there will be a brilliant night
Yet why doesn't father's star shine?
Am I going to cry?  No way, I'm a man.
I shall fight, I shall fight for that day,
for the day I take back father with my own hands.

"There Is No Friendzone!" [Review on Regular Show Season 4 Ep. 28 "Meteor Moves"]

Guardian of Friend Zone: "Ah, but it is—a place of friendly handshakes, back pats, side hugs; a platonic realm where romance goes to die."

Now don't tell me that that isn't true. Because it is. And I'll gladly tell you about that, but I'll get to that. First up, I'm going to try and run you through the episode without spoiling too much of it. I did say try, doesn't mean I won't.

So this episode is about Eileen inviting the duo to go watch a meteor shower that happens "once in a lifetime" as she said so. One thing I liked a lot about this is that she texted Rigby about it.

She could have just told them about it when they got to the coffee shop, but apparently Eileen and Rigby are textmates now. I just love how things are developing between them, because from the moment they met, Rigby wasn't really into Eileen, but after the One Pull Up incident and several others, I think that things are looking up for those who's OTP is Rigby and Eileen.

 

Another point I liked about Rigby in this episode is the fact that he was so frustrated about Mordecai and his reluctance to make his moves on Margaret. Sure, he was pushing him around about it, but most of what he's been saying is true. He pointed out that what happened in the airport 2 weeks prior (Season 4 Ep. 22 "Picking Up Margaret") was just a goodbye kiss and he made Mordecai realize that it was Margaret that kissed him and not the other way around, like he thought it was.

Aside from the character developments (and there is a lot on this episode, but I'll get back to that), we also get a glimpse on some character backgrounds. We find out a lot about the characters in this episode and a lot of flashbacks on Mordecai's part.

Here's a list of what I got from this episode. I'm sure there's a lot more info about this on other episodes, but these are the ones that were mentioned in this episode.

• Mordecai was in Art School back in college, but wasn't able to finish it. When Margaret asks if he'd ever go back, he just wasn't sure at the moment and joked that he might work at the park for the rest of his life.
• The reason Eileen knew about the meteor shower is that she's in an astronomy club, and even named a star. "Best 80 dollars I ever spent!" as she would put it.
• Margaret has applied to three schools for her journalism major, but was unsure of whether she would get accepted. We see a side of Margaret where she's conscious about how she was in the interview but Mordecai sorted that out by reassuring her about herself. 

This is one of the aspects I love in TV shows where they give proper back stories to their characters and don't just throw in new ones and never give them the substance they need. Good for you, JG Quintel! 4 for you! 

So back to the main point I was going to make about this episode. So apart from Rigby pushing around Mordecai about Margaret, he kept saying friendzone, implying that if he doesn't make a move, it'll end with him being in the friendzone forever. Now from the way things were going, and how Margaret was around and towards Mordecai, it was really frustrating to see him spaz out and be awkward. Mainly because it reminded me of myself a lot of times I tried to get out of the friendzone but ended up digging that hole all on my own and jumping down for good measure.

It was great how this episode handled the subject that many people pass off as "another excuse for guys to put the blame on girls for not giving them what they want." But I agree with them. Most of the time, people who claim to be on the friendzone are clearly just people who tried to act "nice" towards their love interest, and disappointed that the feelings aren't mutual when it was time to "cash in" on what they have been putting effort for. 

Now that's just stupid! You don't owe anyone anything if they're nice to you. Being nice is supposed to be something you do, not something you choose to do for certain people. You never demand anything back and that's how it should be. If the receiver reciprocates the feeling, then good! But if not, it just means you're not putting enough effort for the other party to realize and understand your true feelings.There's a difference between being nice towards others and being nice towards someone whom you wish to bed and get whatever the hell it is you want from them.

Now in Mordecai's case, it wasn't like that. He genuinely loved her, and all that's keeping him from it was the fact that he was scared of being rejected. He needed to man up and just go tell her. If not, it'll spiral down into the true friendzone, not the "I was being nice to you because I wanted to sleep with you, but you didn't want to so I blame you for it" zone. Mordecai had pure intentions of being with someone he really enjoyed being with and he found someone who was worth the risk of getting killed by a mob who hates cellphones, going through much-hated clubbing, and lots of other stuff. And we're pretty sure that Margaret feels the same way, because the thing she was most afraid of about going to college was missing Mordecai.

It took a talking asteroid hailed the "Guardian of the Friend Zone," random couples in their cars chanting, and Rigby screaming at the top of his lungs for Mordecai to realize that there was nothing to fear and just go for it. He had many chances, and the asteroid showed him each and every one of it. He rooted for Mordecai because he didn't want him to suffer like he did, and Rigby was just giving him the push he needed.

 

Things I Used To Like and Things I Like Now

A lot has changed in the past few years. I once thought that I'd settle down and be happy with someone some time soon. But chances are it wont even happen at all. And I'm fine with it. I used to be so passionate about meeting that certain someone and growing old with them. But for some reason, that part of me died. And it was so subtle, that I didn't even notice it till now.

I could think of a hundred reasons why that came to be, but to simply put it, LIFE.

Life changes people, opens their eyes to new things, makes them realize things they didn't notice and were too blinded to see in the past. Life happened to me, and it weathered me to what I am now.
Things I used to like, in terms of preference in women, clothing, music, etc. It all changed from what I wanted 5 or 7 years ago.

 I used to like ladies with long, jet-black hair. I guess it stems from the fact that my former best friend has long, flowing, shiny black hair. But of course, since the tragedy that is the falling apart between us, it grew on me subconsciously. I wanted my ex girlfriend to never cut her hair short, keep them untied, etc. It was like I didn't let go of one of the things I liked about my first love that I found in my best friend. Which is sad, by the way. Pathetic at some point.





Now, I can't help but be attracted to someone with brightly colored/dyed hair. It's like kryptonite to me now. I'm still attracted to women of natural hair color, be it red, blonde, black, etc. It's just that my eyes more than likely looks for your striking colors. It makes me think that you express yourself well, you're very open about things and you have this sense of acceptance towards others. I know it's an assumption, but that's just how I feel you would be like. I hope I'm not offending anyone with what I'm saying, but that's how it is in my silly, little head.

Again, it's just a preference and not a bias.

I used to hate heartfelt movies. Thought they were too sappy and cheesy. But since having a girlfriend, I've grown used to watching them and again, it grew on me. But after failed relationships, it stuck to me. I now watch movies that high school me would have chucked out the window and just watched tokusatsu, anime, or some comedy show. But now, I've become more open and watch various movies and actually relate to them.

There's a lot more things that have changed since I last checked myself, more than just appearance-wise. I truly think that embracing change is a good thing, but as much as it is promising, it's still pretty scary. I'm not sure if most of the changes I have undergone are actually for the better, but it's probably very different from what I was back then.

I don't really now if the man I am now is a lot better than who I used to be as a whole. It's hard to tell from my perspective, because I still see myself as a guy who's still not ready for anything, pretty much screwed in every aspect of his life, and probably wont be achieving much till a few more years of so. Hopefully, I did learn something from the past few years that I've gone through, and I certainly never want to be as stupid as I was a few years back.

Screw you, past me, for making me deal with your problems!

Boots of Lead and Other Badassery

So I watched Iron Man 3 today. I know, I'm 20 days late, but cut me some slack!! I'm practically broke and dealing with a lot of things made me watch it finally. Anyways, this blogs gonna contain spoilers, but I'll try to keep them to a minimum for those who still haven't watched it.



Yeah, it's been a while since I've been in a movie theater, and going there alone sucked. I've only ever watched a movie by myself a few times, and I'd much rather have someone with me. Because if I was going to watch a movie on my own, I'd much rather just wait for it to be released and watch it on my laptop or on TV. But since I wanted time out of the house, I took the chance and went.



Iron Man 3 was great! I cannot express how intense it was for me. Entirely way more than what I expected when I saw trailers and whatnot. I wish they didn't do the Mandarin as they did in the movie though. I must say it was a letdown as it would have been way cooler if the ten rings came into play. Anyways, the story was still great as ever, as I could say for the other recent Marvel movies as well.



The main thing that got me was the action. For most of the Marvel films, we all wanted to see their superpowers, weapons, gadgets, and skills coming into play, but Tony, Pepper, and Rhodey took the cake with their action sequences. It made me remember how Captain America told Tony about what he would be without his armor, and in Irom Man 3, he proved that he was more than just a guy in a protective shell. As for Pepper, I really want to give props to her for putting up with all the shit Tony puts her through, relationship-wise and otherwise. She too proved herself when she defended herself and even helped Tony. This movie takes the cake for one of the best out of costume action I have seen so far. It really showed that even though they didn't have superpowers, they still held their own defending themselves and saving the day. Oh, and the barrel of monkeys bit was way cool!



Another part of the movie I really liked was the House Party Protocol. Tons and tons of suits!! I love how Tony had various suits with each their own specialties. And poor Mark 42, as I would coin him the "Prodigal Son." I really wish he was 100% functional in the movie, but I guess we'll see him or his predecessor soon. Of all the armors featured, I really liked Heartbreaker and  Mark 42.

Really, I cannot begin to say how much I enjoyed that movie and can't wait to see Thor and a lot more Marvel films coming this year and the next. Hopefully I get to do blogs about those movies too. 

I'm [Still] Into You

After days of putting it off because I wasn't in the mood, I'm here yet again to bash...I mean talk...about a past love. And you must be thinking to yourself, "The f*ck man, I thought you got over that chick?!" Well, my good sirs and madams, it really isn't that simple. You see, when you've loved a person as much and as long as I have, you begin to accept that you love(d) a person more, and think or look for reasons less. It's the ironic, cruel side of love if you think about it. One that permeates and seeps through your very being, making it almost impossible to get rid off unless someone saves you from the gangrenous malignancy that it has become. You want to cut it off, but you know it'll hurt so much that you wouldn't be able to bear it, much less survive.



But that's just it, there's no saving you from it, at least by your own means. You try and try, looking for ways to block and repress any memories, good or bad. You make an effort to make sure that every trace of her is never to be found again, only to stumble upon it when it's old and full of dust. You always end up going back, looking for what you think should still be there, but isn't. You think you're just looking for closure, but to be honest, you're still into her. You still have a "thing" for her. You find her witty comebacks cute, you still think she's the loveliest person ever even though you have enough reason to say she isn't that great. You still have those feelings or love, longing, and hope that she'll come back but she wont. But you're still into her. And that's just it, there's no way around it.



And that's what I was about to talk about. Since the single came out, it only occurred to me to listen to this song a few weeks back. And every word hit me brick by brick. [Excuse the lame pun] It made me think a lot about how I'm probably the one who invested more on the relationship, so much that I'm still having lingering feelings while she's basically over me like last week's dinner. I know it should be a happy song, but despite the upbeat tempo and beautifully creative music video, it still contains a bit of sadness in my part. I guess that's just me though.

"...and after all this time, I'm still into you."

There's a hint of disappointment in this line that seemed to strike me hard, that I should be over her but I'm not. And despite all the things the relationship has strained and stressed, I find myself longing for her. I try so hard, I really do, but it still comes back to square one. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

But I know that one day, I'll look back and just laugh to myself. Laugh as how stupid I was to be feeling this way over someone who clearly wasn't even serious about it in the first place. I will laugh at how stupid it was to love someone like her. But that day is not today. Until then, I will wallow in this limbo I have created for myself, in which I'm crawling out of but always pulled back in by all the love I had for her. There maybe no more saving me, but I'm doing what I can.

 And here's the song that influenced this post.



BUY THEIR NEW ALBUM HERE

VISIT THE PARAMORE WEBSITE HERE

Doubt and Unbelief

Ah yes, here I am again, after a period of time without posting anything. I guess it stems from me not having much feedback on this blog at all. It's sad really, it's like I'm talking to a wall. But then again, the main reason I started this blog was to get things off my mind and chest, so here we are.

I usually do these "word of the day" thing on one short post, but this one was a bit too much for me to convey in a short paragraph.


DOUBT (n)

• uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making
• a deliberate suspension of judgment
• state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense
• a lack of confidence : distrust 
• an inclination not to believe or accept 

UNBELIEF; DISBELIEF (n)

• incredulity or skepticism especially in matters of religious faith
• mental rejection of something as untrue
• an absence of faith

Now you must be wondering why I chose these two words and why they are defined when it looks like they have the same thing in mind. To be honest, I just had this compelling feeling to do so and I guess the reason is because it made me think on things. Very deep things. 

As a man who seeks knowledge and reason fervently and enthusiastically, to see something first hand still holds its place as the best way to gain information. To touch, experience, and witness as a phenomenon occurs makes me hold something as true. Reading about it, knowing that the source is credible and legitimate is another way something can be held as fact. 

But what happens when you start to doubt this, when you begin to question it? To question something out of the context that you want to know if something is true or not seems harmless, and to doubt something unless you see it with your own eyes is understandable. Here's where we can set apart doubt from disbelief. 

To doubt is to withheld belief until it is experienced and seen, whereas disbelief is the outright negation of believing in something no matter what. And I've seen this a lot lately. Left and right, I see people saying "Where is your god now?" or "If there was such as thing as a god...," and so many more questions that refer to the concept of a higher being that governs the entire cosmos as false and irrational. They attack the beliefs of those who themselves have known to accept it and live their lives as it decrees. But I cannot blame them for doing so, and neither can I say to those who doubt that they have wronged and are in need of reformation.

We are human, and as much as we think that we have control over our lives and how we think we know what is best, we are human. To be human means to be weak, to be erroneous, to be at fault. We are not gods that can rule over every aspect of our lives. We just have enough control over what we can. We can never truly reign over all. Even in terms of faith and belief. Our intellect demands answers, which leads us to question and be skeptical. But to regard something as untrue, false, and illogical, seems to stem from what we have inside of us. It may stem from bitterness towards what we cannot comprehend, or tried to comprehend. We were given the chance to discern for ourselves how we will live our lives, and that much is enough for me understand that to doubt is acceptable. 

For when we doubt, we grow. We learn and strengthen the beliefs we once wavered on. Is not a pillar that is about to fall strengthened to the point that it is much stronger than it was before it started to crumble? Wouldn't you rather doubt and grow strong, than to never believe and eventually crumble to dust in the end of it all?

As I end this, I want to quote the minister at the church I attended this Sunday.

"Doubt is a problem of the intellect. The person wants to believe, but has questions.
Unbelief is a problem of the heart. One will never believe, despite what he sees." 

Your Memory Will Carry On

So last night I was given, or rather I have come across some very unfortunate and disgruntling news.



So I dug around and sure enough people aren't too happy about this sudden and unexplained tragedy. People started asking questions, some are in denial like me, but most just want to know why they did this so suddenly. But the question still remains as to what happened to cause such things to happen. And what of the album they were working on? Will that be scrapped? Will it be released? So many questions left unanswered.

Some few have concluded that it may well be a publicity stunt, or that they're just getting fans riled up. Or that someone hacked into the website and posted above shown paragraph. It was so brief and vague that a lot of fans felt deceived, brokenhearted, and their trust broken as well.

I could understand the extent of heartbreak my fellow fans are having right now, with people posting photos and making GIF's and listening to all the albums they have with them. For 12 years they were with us, holding our hand as we struggled with our inner demons, fought the sadness that would have consumed us had we not taken their songs to heart, and helped us find who we are, and learned to accept ourselves.

If you've known me long enough, you'd know that this band was one of the few that had a major effect on how I am now. I heard "Helena" from their Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge album, released 2005, on the radio, and that was the start of my love for the band. I remember first hearing it on the radio, the chorus really getting to me, but I didn't get to listen to the entire song at first, so I had to wait for a chance to see it on TV. And sure enough I got to listen to it, and watch the amazing music video it came with. And since then, I've done nothing but admire each song, really listening to them.

Thus I was a fan of all their albums, knowing most if not all of the songs they have ever sang and released. Sure I wasn't a hardcore fan, but I was a fan nonetheless. I may not have had the chance to go to any of their concerts, but to be able to partake in the music, and the hope it came with, was something good enough for me.

They say that music can save lives, and sure enough they did. I read people saying that had it not been for My Chemical Romance, they would never have gotten to where they are now. They would have left the world of the living long before. And I can attest to that, for their songs are what drove me to keep hope alive inside me even though the world seemed cruel and haunting. When people in your life misunderstood you, they didn't. They told you that you will get through this, that you're strong, that you're destined to be greater than what you lead on to believe. They told you that you were accepted, that you have to be who you want to be, and that no matter how broken and beaten you are, you have to march on.

Again, I can understand the grief this sad news bring to everyone who grew up listening to them. Watching them at live concert, in their televisions, or computers, and listening to them all the time, or when things around them are crumbling down. They were a pillar we could lean on, a friend we can hang on to, a hand that guided us through the dark. They understood us, know of our struggles, and felt our pain.

It is with a sad heart that I take this news, but I refuse to believe that My Chemical Romance has died. I refuse to accept that they will die, burned into ashes. I refuse.

For I now that even if they DO die, the impact they have had on people's lives, the strength they sent to each and every one of us, the will to survive they bestowed to those who were about to break, it will all live on inside of us. In every song we have in our hearts, with every word we sing, with every lesson you had to teach.

"Your memory will carry on."

The Platinum Rule

So today I watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother, one of the best shows I have come to know. And to be honest, it has helped me cope with relationships and other things. I could easily relate to some of the characters, be it their quirks or feelings towards different circumstances. But then again, this is just some of the few. And I rarely get to that point where I see myself in the characters.

And so, the episode that I watched was about Ted going to meet an old acquaintance, his doctor to be exact. And this was met with disapproval from his friends because of the Platinum rule, which states,

"Never ever, ever, ever love they neighbor."

The point of the rule was to never date someone whom you meet on a regular basis, like a co-worker, a neighbor, or the waitress at your favorite bar. They were deemed to never work out and that such relationships result to agony that goes on and on. And to further the argument, 8 steps were provided to explain how this develops.

Step 1: Attraction

You get attracted to someone, because of something you saw that really got you interested. Maybe its appearance, some characteristics, hobbies, etc. Anything that would make you instantly like someone.

For me, it was because she was different from other girls. She wasn't the typical girly girl who was always into cute stuff and all that. She pretty much liked most of the things I do. And I honestly saw myself spending the rest of my days with her.

Step 2: Bargaining

People end up trying to talk you out of it, saying that its a bad idea. But you still push through saying it won't happen to you. You might agree it's a bad idea, but you still think it'll be okay. You might start to notice a few things that might be a warning sign already, but you shrug it off and try not to think about it too much.

In my case, I was conflicted with myself a lot of times because on the first time I was so sure she won't like me at all, but as time went by and we tried it a couple of times, I gave in and said to myself that maybe it'll work out just fine in the end despite the unsteady nature of the relationship. Boy was I wrong.  At the beginning of the on-off relationship, I tried to push her away because she wanted something less than what I wanted and she knew that. We were at a conflict on few occasions. After a few back and forth's, it never occurred to me that there was a problem, and I kept going. I just thought to myself that maybe they were just hurdles to overcome.

Step 3: Submission

You give in, you take the plunge, you do the deed. Against every disapproving argument, you go for it. It may start simple at first, just a few dates here and there, even with other friends accompanying you. It may seem harmless at first, but it slowly turns into something you just can't resist. You yield to advances and heed to the calls.

For someone who was so cautious and indecisive, I never knew I would do something like it. It felt like I was so sure despite the facts presented to me and all the difficulties the relationship had. We did it all, we fooled around. It was passionate at times, and I guess we just let go of whatever it was that held us back. It was scary at some points, but I took the leap and jumped the gun. I thought on the present and let "future me" handle the rest. And "present me" now wants to kick "past me's" ass right now.

Step 4: Perks

As the title suggest, the things you gain as you push through with the relationship. Be it the company, material things, or the thought of being in one, it's something that benefits you. It may be small or big, but it really makes you think that it's still a good idea.

To me, it was the fact that I had someone I can actually call my girlfriend. And to be able to exert all the affection and passion that I have pent up within me. Also, I had company and someone to confide with most times, I had someone to talk to other than the people I already talk to, I shared secrets, things only a select few would have known. It gave me assurance that I chose wisely.

Step 5: The Tipping Point

This is where things get epiphanic. (It's an actual word, look it up.) You start to realize what a mistake it was to have done what you did, accepting the relationship and pushing through despite the naysayers. You see the little things, or maybe come across a  problem too big to handle. Be it sudden or gradual, you begin to realize that things are getting out of hand and that you're getting way in too deep.

For me, it wasn't too long. It actually got me earlier, but I never acted on it. I guess it was because I was so far into the relationship that trying to regain control and having things my way would only lead to unnecessary hang ups. A lot of things made me thing twice about it, and most of them were things I could have contested and tried to point out. I guess I just loved her too much to actually say that she was doing something I didn't approve of or didn't like at all. I should have known better and acted upon it earlier.

Step 6: Purgatory

This is when you realize and ACCEPT that you were an idiot and that having to deal with it would be torture on your part. You regret having started it all and now have to deal with what you brought upon yourself. Headtabling (when you bang your head on the table again and again, proclaiming you're an idiot) will occur.

And proclaim myself an idiot I did. I scoffed myself for actually believing that I would be able to make someone stay with me and that I was worth waiting for. Clearly she thought otherwise. I would have proceeded to headtable all day long if it were possible. I ended up having no relationship AND a broken heart, while she just brushed it off like crumbs off a plate.

Step 7: Confrontation

The time to act. You realize there is a problem and you try to get it fixed. All attempts to terminate the relationship is made, almost always ending messy. Knowing this, you make an effort to NOT make it messy, and usually it still down down the drain.

I'm never good with confrontation, but sooner or later it had to happen. And it did. We were civil about it, though I still think that it wasn't supposed to be that way. It was like she didn't care one bit about it. I guess when you've involved yourself with something way more than the receiving party does, you really get emotional when it ends the way it did mine. An agreement was made and it felt horrible.

Step 8: Fallout

This is the messy part. Things turn to shit here and its hard for your end of things. You can't bear to deal with the fact that things ended and that you're pretty much left with nothing. You have to put up with it since you'll be seeing more of them and you can't say anything that would take things back.

Even though we're miles apart, I still think that I'm affected by this. Though physically apart, I still get that feeling that I'd have to deal with the fact that she didn't bat an eye when things ended. And the likelihood that she might end up loving someone better than she loved me, just thrusts a jagged knife through me. I'm really trying my hardest to try to stay intact and not fall apart all the time. And the fact that I now have to get used to saying to people that I'm single, just when I've gotten used to being "taken."


My point in presenting this rule is that even though I initially wouldn't have to deal with it on a regular basis, it was something that hit me hard. Dealing with something like a relationship you shouldn't have taken, or would have been better off not taking at all, isn't easy and usually breaks you. You're never the same person, and it's a painful lesson.

But there's a ninth step.

Step 9: Coexistence

You realize that feeling bad about it, being bitter or resentful, won't do anyone any good. You learn to deal with it in a positive way, and learn from it and become a better man.

Hopefully this part comes to me, and to be able to smile, wave at them, say my hello's and not having to keep myself together, would be nice. I know that someday I'll be able to accept that she may not be the woman I will marry, or that she may be just a friend and should stay that way. I really look forward to this step and I'm sure she'd love for that to happen as well.

That's it for tonight, and I hope you enjoyed reading this. It may be all over the place, but I appreciate if you read it still. I wish I had more things to write about and that I had enough time for it. Maybe next time. 

Of Buses and Trains

Today, I learned how to use the bus line around Torrance, California. I had to because I needed to know how to get to the adult school I recently registered to. And with no car yet, public transit was the only solution.

It was a nice experience, one that reminded me of college days when I used to take public transportation going to my campus and other places. From overcrowded trains, to clunky jeepneys, to daredevil buses. I missed it, the thrill and challenge of it all. It was one of the few things I was good at, in my opinion. I could go places just by taking time to observe routes and stops. With an adequate sense of direction and wanderlust, it was one of the most fulfilling things I did.

For some reason, I preferred public transportation over driving a car. It may well be because I don't want to worry about driving, or that most of the time I'll be on my own. One of the things I love about traveling as such is the interesting people you run into along the way. Each and every one had a story to tell, one different from the next. Yet we share a common trait, we share but one thing.  We all had a place to go to, a place we end up at. We each had our destinations. Some got on and off the same places, while others traded places. Gazes meet, elbows rub. While most kept to themselves, some are eager to share a friendly greeting and a hearty smile.

Then there's the places you pass by. Views you won't be able to appreciate if you're driving, as you're focused on following rules and being safe (Not that I have anything against it. To be honest, I implore you people to follow the rules of the road and be safe when you drive). I know what you're thinking, "There's not much to see, even if you have time to look at them." Well I for one am very appreciative of the simple things that people don't tend to notice. Like new buildings, various colors of flowers, the pedestrians walking around, and a lot of other things. People are so busy that they fail to see beauty in the little things. There's a lot of awesome things to see if you just took the time and chance to see them.

So all in all, this day was nostalgic to say the least. I look forward to the many trips that I take from now on. If and when I do get my own car, I will still make a point to use public transportation, just to remind me of my roots. And an escape from being boxed in.

Word of the Day: Limitless

Definition

without limit, end, or boundary

Synonyms

boundless, unlimited, unbounded, infinite

So I recently watched the movie Limitless. Needless to say, I want NZT-48. No, I don't want the four digit IQ, the money, or the confidence. I just need the focus.

Seriously, I have a really bad attention span and it just seemed so good to be focused. If I had focus like that, I would have been able to read books I intend to read and those that I have to read to be good at what I want to do in life. I would be able to concentrate on things that I need and have to do, like write applications and exercise. I would be way smarter than people think I am if I was more focused and wasn't distracted.

I hate how people who know me say that I'm a smart person when clearly I'm not. I just know a little bit about something and deliver it in such a way that it sounds smart. If I had something like NZT, I would be able to be more confident about what I know and can do. It would open up new opportunities for me.

But such is life and NZT is far from becoming reality. The closest we have is a drug for narcolepsy, and it's not OTC. So tough nuts.

But really, one cannot rely on drugs to better life. You have to strive for it and struggle even.

It's just another Thursday.

Would you look at that! I made a Valentine's Day blog! WRONG! This has nothing to do with the wretched day celebrated by couples and lovesick people alike. Call me a bitter old fool, but I just hate the concept. The fact that a single day defines how much one loves another. While most of you see chocolates, roses, cards, and kisses, I see commercialism and petty traditions.



Now I'm not here to bash on the lovedrunk and infatuated. I came here to tell you what has been happening to me these last few months.

I've been here in the States for quite some time, with only a few weeks till my first official year here as a resident. But to be honest, I have accomplished squat. I've actually lost more than I've gained this past year. I told myself that I would do my best to be successful here, but things haven't been going well. It's as if life wants me to fail and lose everything. I've lost a lot, my love life including. It came at the worst time possible, but it festered long before it gave its final blow. So that's it for love, right? No.

So today I did something stupid. I sent her a message. Harmless, I thought. Nothing to worry about. Just a simple messages asking how she was. Little did I know it'll escalate into something that was too much to handle.



But I'll get to that in a minute. Back to what has been happening to me.

So things weren't looking up as it is. What's worse is that it took a toll on my psyche. As you all know, I've been known to over-think and sulk a lot. Well, nowadays I've lost motivation on anything. Everything felt so pointless that I'm scared I might do something foolish and cowardly. Sleep seemed to be the only thing that mattered to me. All I could do was lie down, close my eyes and escape everything. I wanted to abandon life, but I knew how hurtful that would be. Frustration just grew inside me, so much that almost anything could irritate me for no reason at all. I was ready to give up on everything, but that option was unacceptable.



But things picked up with a little help. I'm currently applying for a class that lasts a few months, just enough to get me to work in the hospital, even though it's not in the field I intended. For now, I'm just hoping things work out well so I could start soon.

I also intend to go back to the Philippines this coming August for a few weeks, but the thought seems too intangible at the moment as I have to raise money for me to get home. Again, hopefully I get to earn my way to a ticket back home.

I still need some motivation to keep me going, and somehow it feels like I'm venturing this road on a blindfold. And this blindfolded man just hit a thorny bush.

The message my ex-girlfriend sent me just hit home hard. Saying she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, although it was only via messages on the internet, that just got to me. For whatever reason, I don't want to know anymore. Part of me wants to know why, but another tells me that would only make it harder. It will be hard to shake this off, but I don't need this right now. As much as I loved her, I shouldn't let it get to me. Whether she thinks it's for the best, or just doesn't want anything to do with me, I may never know. But maybe I don't need to.

To many people, this day is a day of love, a day of cherishing those who meant the world to you. But to me, it's just another Thursday.

Hopeless?

There's a romantic in all of us. Well, most of us, I guess. But the point is, that one way or another, we long to be adored, fancied, wooed, and loved. A sense of importance that stems from the notion that another person longs for your attention, your presence, your affection. A feeling of purpose that is to requite and reciprocate the passionate expressions of amour. Ah yes, to love and be loved. Such a beautiful thing.

But then again, love is but a rose. Along with it's beauty is it's sting. It may be the life to most, but death to the unsung. It is but a two-edged knife that severs the ties that bind our passion, but also cuts deep into the soul, should it be wielded haphazardly.

I am no stranger to both sides of this most precious coin. It has its value, and its costs. I have loved, betrayed, and lost, all but for the pursuit of that one woman to ease the longings of my hopelessly romantic heart. I tried all that I could, exerted what little I had, crawled, howled, pleaded, and bled for it. But alas, there's only so much one man can take.

I have grown weary of chasing like a madman, flailing like a fish out of water, like a rooster with its head cut off. I have given up, it seems. I have lost all manner of will to carry on loving those who claimed to have loved me. I no longer have it in me to think of myself as someone who will end up with a lady who adores me as much as I do. The mere thought of it seems laughable now, as ridiculous as sow wearing scarlet boots and a bonnet.

And so, I no longer yearn for another's love, but the love of my own self. A chance to learn and perhaps be able to understand myself better. I wish to see what it is that I must love in myself, before I start to love again. How I ought to view my being, before loving another. And in this endeavor, I wish to find peace and satisfaction, without having to cling to another person. To have contentment in the face of being alone.

I pray that I find this in the near future, that I may seek to improve myself. Not for the sake of my love for some person, but for my love of self.