I recently took a license exam, one that would help skyrocket my quality of living here in the US. It's been years since I first started this process, with lots of rejections and bullshit. Having graduated outside of the country, I had to go through flaming hoops just to be accepted to take the test. I even had to move states for this to happen. It took longer than it should have, and not one particular party was solely responsible for it. It wasn't helping that people were expecting great things from me, saying how smart and talented I am. Which wasn't true at all. I'm average at best, and I know that well. I'm not a brilliant person, I just managed to go through all that by the skin of my teeth. I barely made it out of there alive. And I still am clinging by the tips of my fingers. The stresses have been bombarding me lately and I reckon my mental health is in dire need of attention. This exam could have helped me gain confidence in myself, and made the uncertainty of tomorrow fade.
But the end result wasn't the one I was hoping for.
I failed.
It sucks, because I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and this was supposed to be what would help me out of this situation I am in. Regret is the least of the feelings I have right now. But I can't say I'm surprised at all. Things haven't been going well for a long time now, why should this be any different. This is just another bullet to the long list of mistakes and failures that have been piling up. It makes one think that maybe this isn't for me. Maybe I should just quit and do something else. I'm currently in a fit of quiet despair.
Yet I still believe that I do deserve it, and that I shouldn't just quit like this. I have people supporting me since I got here, and I don't want to let them down. They shouldn't be the only driving force in my attempt to better my life. I really do want to help others and I know that I can do good in the profession I chose. I adapted before, took a job that wasn't glamorous and financially fulfilling but I did it nonetheless because I had to. The expectations will always be there. I hate it, and I know that I should tell them to stop putting so much pressure on me and putting me on such high regards. The overthinking and anxiety isn't going away. But I have to push through. Just like I did before, by the skin of my teeth, down to the last bullet, up to the last minute.
I plan to take that damn test again, although I want to better prepare for it. I thought that studying on my own, after years of being out of the field, would suffice. But it didn't, and I have myself to blame for it as well. I could point fingers on a lot of people, but it was ultimately me who failed. I should own up to that mess, and learn to live with it.
So what now? I decided that the moment I saw that four-letter word. I will take on this task once more, and hopefully I will be better equipped to deal with it and move past it and get on with the dreams I had for myself and those that were there for me.
As a wise man once said,
I plan to take that damn test again, although I want to better prepare for it. I thought that studying on my own, after years of being out of the field, would suffice. But it didn't, and I have myself to blame for it as well. I could point fingers on a lot of people, but it was ultimately me who failed. I should own up to that mess, and learn to live with it.
So what now? I decided that the moment I saw that four-letter word. I will take on this task once more, and hopefully I will be better equipped to deal with it and move past it and get on with the dreams I had for myself and those that were there for me.
As a wise man once said,
"Water can flow, water can crash. Be water, my friend."
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