It's just another Thursday.

Would you look at that! I made a Valentine's Day blog! WRONG! This has nothing to do with the wretched day celebrated by couples and lovesick people alike. Call me a bitter old fool, but I just hate the concept. The fact that a single day defines how much one loves another. While most of you see chocolates, roses, cards, and kisses, I see commercialism and petty traditions.



Now I'm not here to bash on the lovedrunk and infatuated. I came here to tell you what has been happening to me these last few months.

I've been here in the States for quite some time, with only a few weeks till my first official year here as a resident. But to be honest, I have accomplished squat. I've actually lost more than I've gained this past year. I told myself that I would do my best to be successful here, but things haven't been going well. It's as if life wants me to fail and lose everything. I've lost a lot, my love life including. It came at the worst time possible, but it festered long before it gave its final blow. So that's it for love, right? No.

So today I did something stupid. I sent her a message. Harmless, I thought. Nothing to worry about. Just a simple messages asking how she was. Little did I know it'll escalate into something that was too much to handle.



But I'll get to that in a minute. Back to what has been happening to me.

So things weren't looking up as it is. What's worse is that it took a toll on my psyche. As you all know, I've been known to over-think and sulk a lot. Well, nowadays I've lost motivation on anything. Everything felt so pointless that I'm scared I might do something foolish and cowardly. Sleep seemed to be the only thing that mattered to me. All I could do was lie down, close my eyes and escape everything. I wanted to abandon life, but I knew how hurtful that would be. Frustration just grew inside me, so much that almost anything could irritate me for no reason at all. I was ready to give up on everything, but that option was unacceptable.



But things picked up with a little help. I'm currently applying for a class that lasts a few months, just enough to get me to work in the hospital, even though it's not in the field I intended. For now, I'm just hoping things work out well so I could start soon.

I also intend to go back to the Philippines this coming August for a few weeks, but the thought seems too intangible at the moment as I have to raise money for me to get home. Again, hopefully I get to earn my way to a ticket back home.

I still need some motivation to keep me going, and somehow it feels like I'm venturing this road on a blindfold. And this blindfolded man just hit a thorny bush.

The message my ex-girlfriend sent me just hit home hard. Saying she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, although it was only via messages on the internet, that just got to me. For whatever reason, I don't want to know anymore. Part of me wants to know why, but another tells me that would only make it harder. It will be hard to shake this off, but I don't need this right now. As much as I loved her, I shouldn't let it get to me. Whether she thinks it's for the best, or just doesn't want anything to do with me, I may never know. But maybe I don't need to.

To many people, this day is a day of love, a day of cherishing those who meant the world to you. But to me, it's just another Thursday.