The Wedding Singer

So lately I've been thinking about things. After recently getting started in the career a path that I spent years studying for (and plenty more years of waiting and struggling), it dawned upon me what comes next after this. I've been planning to get a better car, one that wont die on me, and a place to call my own. I was fortunate enough to have relatives who were kind enough to let me stay in their home. But still, I figured I should get on with it since I can afford it now. But other than the things I could get with the salary I'm currently going on, I started thinking about the things that I might not get. And I'm a bit worried that I'm not as worried as I should be.

A decent job, a nice car, a house of my own. You know what comes next. But I never really was myself as someone anyone would settle for. Sure, I like the idea that someone out there yearns to live the rest of their lives with some guy like me, but I always end up thinking they could do better.

And they can.

The only people I know that would be likely to stick around long enough to make it official aren't exactly the people who are with me right now. It would be great, seeing as they've spent years of their lives with me, but I just dont see them actually saying yes to "will you spend the rest of your life with me?" They knew me as I was back in my childhood. I was a decent kid but who I was before is WAY different from who I am now. The things I know, want, and need. What I see in a person. Completely different. Between childhood me and current me, teenager me was a douche. He was the reason a lot of people arent talking to me right now. Thinking with the wrong head, he pretty much messed up future chances that I could be taking advantage of right now. Fuck you, teenage me! You suck!

So I've had this idea that marriage isnt for me, that I'll be fine on my own and that being tied to someone will just weigh me down and add responsibilities that could be easily avoided. What I dont get is how others can easily decide to do so and be as happy as they can be. I know a lot of friends now that got recently married, and I'm not dissing them for doing so. I just find it odd that they'd do it that early. But maybe that's just me. Maybe they did find their partner and want to make sure it stays that way.

Fuck if I know!

I ruined all the relationships I've been in and as far as I'm concerned, I'm not willing to even date myself. So maybe it really isn't for me.

But why did I start considering WHO I'll want to marry? Old flames, past relationships, childhood crushes. I started to dream of it, think of it on my drive home at 11 in the evening. Was it all the songs I listen to and go "Oh yeah, that would make a great wedding song." Maybe all the movies, TV shows, novels, posts, pictures, etc. that seemed to depict married life as some haven?

I'm well aware that not every marriage is a good one, and that more often then we want it to, it destroys lives. So what's up with me wanting something that I clearly am not ready for, something I know I wont be good at, and something that poses a threat to how I live my life now? Not that my life is great and all that. It's peaceful, uneventful, stable, routine. No other factors to consider. Just me.

So why? Is it because I'm nearing 30 and still single? Is it the fact that I cant hold a stable relationship without the other leaving for a better partner?