27 on 27

"A birthday blog post?! But he hasn't posted anything in months! Why now?" 

You wake up early and buy yourself a dozen doughnuts. That says something about you, doesn't it. I thought the free coffee would do something, but it didn't. I got new speakers for my PC that I've been considering for days. They work great, but still nothing. People greeted me online, sending short messages. Mostly family, which I loved because I miss all my cousins and siblings back in the Philippines. Even those in different parts of the globe, also away from our homeland. Friends, most of whom I rarely talk to anymore. Their busy with their own lived and can't be bothered to just chill at home and chat. I understand that. Acquaintances from college,  sure. Either they got a  Facebook notification or remembered it, I said thanks to all of them. I mean, what else was I supposed to say?

"Oh gee, I would love to accept your wish for happiness on this day. But I guess I'd have to gloss over the fact that you buggered off from my life years ago."

Sure, maybe I'm looking into it too much. Maybe they don't mean anything by it. But excuse me for having second thoughts about being fake happy for someone who wouldn't care less if I got hit by a truck a week ago. They decided they don't want to talk to me anymore, months (years, even) pass, then they suddenly pop up out of nowhere. Maybe I should have blocked them, but that would seem petty of me. Bitter, salty, whatever. So no, I didn't do that. Boy, was I mistaken. Now I got these feelings that I'm sure I shoved down a vault of "Things to Avoid Like the Plague." It sucks. It spoiled the already uneventful day.

 "But shouldn't you be happy on your birthday? You should be out celebrating!"

I would love to, but what's the point? It's just one day where people who barely know you anymore feign appreciation for your existence. People who I once thought would be there for me, but decided to bail on me for whatever they found easier. I may have caused some of them to leave. Like my childhood friend who I adored. I had to go and fuck up the friendship by being a massive douchebag and act all entitled. Then there's the only girlfriend I had. I say that because she was the only one that I felt was actually invested in the relationship as much as I was. But I had to go and fuck that up as well by choosing a high school crush over the only person who actually wanted to be with me. So yeah, I feel like not a lot of people actually mean what they say when they wish me a "happy" birthday. It feels forced, obligated, insincere. I don't see a point in all this.

So I'm sorry if I come off as a cynic.

I'm already 27, but look where I am. While most people my age are excited to have families and shit, I feel like that stuff would ruin me more. My history of fucking up relationships made me realize that maybe I'm not cut out to be with anyone long-term. Relatives will probably start asking when will I get married, have kids, etc. And the answer is no. Never. I already have a brother who will pass on the family name, so what's the use? I'll be fine, probably. It'll suck not having someone to come home to every night, who will support me when I'm down. But honestly, who would do that for a shitty person like me? So no, I resigned myself to the fact that I might die alone. But if you think about it, we all do.

I'm 27 years old, and honestly...I didn't think I'd live this long. I imagined in my mind that I would have gotten some weird disease that will end me before I reach 30. Or a horrible accident. Or someone who hates me finally decides to kill me. I dunno. I had it in my head that if I died, that's it. I would love to say "No regrets," but my entire quarter-century run has been nothing but regrets. I've made tons of decisions that were poorly weighed upon. I would still be with my ophthalmologist girlfriend, I would have gotten my license here faster, I would have been so much better. But all those chances have passed.

So here's to another year of failed attempts and missed chances.