I'm [Still] Into You

After days of putting it off because I wasn't in the mood, I'm here yet again to bash...I mean talk...about a past love. And you must be thinking to yourself, "The f*ck man, I thought you got over that chick?!" Well, my good sirs and madams, it really isn't that simple. You see, when you've loved a person as much and as long as I have, you begin to accept that you love(d) a person more, and think or look for reasons less. It's the ironic, cruel side of love if you think about it. One that permeates and seeps through your very being, making it almost impossible to get rid off unless someone saves you from the gangrenous malignancy that it has become. You want to cut it off, but you know it'll hurt so much that you wouldn't be able to bear it, much less survive.



But that's just it, there's no saving you from it, at least by your own means. You try and try, looking for ways to block and repress any memories, good or bad. You make an effort to make sure that every trace of her is never to be found again, only to stumble upon it when it's old and full of dust. You always end up going back, looking for what you think should still be there, but isn't. You think you're just looking for closure, but to be honest, you're still into her. You still have a "thing" for her. You find her witty comebacks cute, you still think she's the loveliest person ever even though you have enough reason to say she isn't that great. You still have those feelings or love, longing, and hope that she'll come back but she wont. But you're still into her. And that's just it, there's no way around it.



And that's what I was about to talk about. Since the single came out, it only occurred to me to listen to this song a few weeks back. And every word hit me brick by brick. [Excuse the lame pun] It made me think a lot about how I'm probably the one who invested more on the relationship, so much that I'm still having lingering feelings while she's basically over me like last week's dinner. I know it should be a happy song, but despite the upbeat tempo and beautifully creative music video, it still contains a bit of sadness in my part. I guess that's just me though.

"...and after all this time, I'm still into you."

There's a hint of disappointment in this line that seemed to strike me hard, that I should be over her but I'm not. And despite all the things the relationship has strained and stressed, I find myself longing for her. I try so hard, I really do, but it still comes back to square one. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

But I know that one day, I'll look back and just laugh to myself. Laugh as how stupid I was to be feeling this way over someone who clearly wasn't even serious about it in the first place. I will laugh at how stupid it was to love someone like her. But that day is not today. Until then, I will wallow in this limbo I have created for myself, in which I'm crawling out of but always pulled back in by all the love I had for her. There maybe no more saving me, but I'm doing what I can.

 And here's the song that influenced this post.



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