Over the Little Things

Oh wow, look at me go! Two blogs in one night! And here I thought I wouldn't have time for this. Guess I do!

So it's raining here, but for some reason, I'm not enjoying it. I'm more of a rain person but it just didn't occur to me to do what I always do when it rains. WATCH IT. I crammed myself inside my room to just sit here and allow things to run all over my mind in a stampede of realizations that hit me harder than a freight train.

I attended a debut almost a week ago, and it was great. I met some new friends, had a little drink, slept at my friend's house, who looked stunning all throughout the night. But I had that feeling that I'm having right now. I didn't know whether to be happy about her birthday or sad about me being the only one there, standing in the midst of her closest friends and relatives, who loved her so much but can never fully express nor say anything about it. It was something as easy as saying "I love you" or wrapping her in my arms, but I couldn't. Made me feel like I shouldn't have been there, since it only made me want to leave as she elegantly danced and smiled and looked happy.

But what really took over me was the fact that she'll be far more harder to reach since she'll be having more suitors and friends. Something that scared me half to death. I couldn't bear to see her with someone else, but I certainly had no right to feel like this, so why do I feel like this?

Who am I to deprive her something if it meant her happiness, even if it kills me a million times over?

Yes, I am immersing myself once more into the bitter waters of the sea or martyrdom. Although I am familiar with this environment that I'll be submerging myself into, I can never remove the hurt I get from things she does, texts, posts, or says.

She thinks I'm being dramatic over such little things.

I say, "Everything about you is something I count as important. So to me, nothing is a little thing. You mean more to me than my own being. All because I love you as the hopeless romantic martyr that I am."

This goes out to someone who calls me "Kuya" and wants it to be that way and nothing more.

Tough nuts.

Where's the sincerity in your lies?

NOTE: I've been meaning to post this for a few days now, but since I rarely get free time now, I only squeezed this in on my schedule.

So I was on duty at a special institution for individuals with mental disorders and let me tell you, it's like eating langka. Once you get past the smell and the sight, it was pretty okay. It sure was challenging to be there, to care for, and talk to them. But to see them smile and laugh and say thanks for the things we did was very fulfilling. It made me feel accomplished and worthy to be there. And so after the 16 hours worth of duty there, we had our terminating conference. We discussed recommendations and insights on the facility. A lot answered very inspiring things, but as I was discussing with a classmate, she noted that one thing was not said.

"Di nila nabanggit yung pagiging sincere."

It hit me hard. She was right. A lot of us endured the foul smells and sights just so we could end the duty and get it over with. We do these nursing duties mostly for the requirements, not because we care for them. Something we should have been keeping in mind rather than getting the grades and skills we needed. What a realization.

Have you ever thought of doing something nice for someone just for the heck of it? To be nice towards something with nothing in return, be it material or otherwise? Because most of the time, when we do something good or say something nice, we get these lines:

"May lagnat ka ba?" "May kailangan ka noh?" "Himala, mabait ka ngayon!!" "Sino ka at anong ginawa mo sa kasama ko?" "Wow ah, gumaganon!"

And so on and so forth!

Nowadays, only a few give a damn about one's sincerity on the things he does for others. No one believes on true acts of random kindness. Everything seems to have a "catch." It's quite disheartening and makes you just want to quit doing nice things and stop giving a care for no one but yourself.

The sincerity on a person's words, actions, and even the silence and space they provide you with, goes unappreciated and underestimated, leaving said person with his heart strewn across the hall in bloody unrecognizable pieces. Quite a grotesque and depressing sight to see.

So appreciate the sincerity of a person, and learn to be sincere and truthful about being nice and choosing not to be an ass to someone. You may never know who would turn a new leaf and be sincere just like you.

To Do No Further Harm

Today was a very tiring day. We had our Basic Life Support and CPR training. Most of the day was spent on lectures, but nevertheless, we learned a lot. But what got me thinking was something one of the lecturers said. He was answering a question about CPR, particularly the complications and how to avoid them. He said that the principles of life support was to promote life, rescue and revive the injured, and do no further harm, then imposed that the last one, DO NO FURTHER HARM, isn't as sure as the other two. He pointed out that sometimes, CPR breaks a rib of two, but that doesn't mean we have to stop the procedure. The broken bone is not our concern, as we were trained as First-Aiders, not orthopedics. To think that I'd get a life lesson our of something like CPR.

In CPR, where we give pressure to the chest, there will be times that a rib may crack or even break off. But we still need to revive the patient, even if it means disregarding the broken rib until the patient has regained consciousness and can be considered alive. It made me realize that some things that are beneficial can do harm, not only to us, but may be to others.

You may think that it would be cruel to hurt someone just to benefit someone else. Yes, it is cruel, but it is also a reality we have to face. May be it conscious or not, it happens and we cause it more than we could ever know. Think about it. Have you ever had a friend that's exceptionally nice and caring for you, yet you go for someone other than said friend? What do you think would run through his or her mind as you see someone else? Or are you that friend, who keeps distance whenever your beau sees someone he/she prefers over you?

It's a vicious cycle. You love him/her, he/she loves someone else. Someone loves you, but you don't love him/her back. It's like a wheel, going round and round and round.

And it's also true that we sometimes hurt the ones we love. I know of that far too well for my own sake. We do faults that we don't even see for ourselves as a fault, yet it shatters the hearts of those who care for you. We get hurt for things we can't explain, and what's worse is the culprit doesn't even know of it as well.

To hurt someone while doing something beneficial or maybe even life-saving is inevitable. It's just a matter of prioritization and surveying who and how we hurt someone.

So be wary of the things you do. Remind yourself of the complications of even the most noble of intentions and actions that we desire to act out.

Off Limits

When I was in my alma mater, way back when I was younger, we had this "Off Limits" rule on some areas around the school. We used to push classmates into said areas and tease them for getting into said area. We got scolded and demerits from being caught in those areas and were sanctioned for it.

Not much useful info there, but it's certainly related to happened to me just a few moments ago.

I once thought that I had this curse on me that every girl in my life that I love will be a whole lot happier after they leave me. Maybe because all of those who did leave were far better off. A lot of things ran through my overly-thoughtful mind. Maybe I'm no good for anyone, maybe I lack what anyone would want, or maybe I just overall suck at relationships. Questions, "what-if's," worst case scenarios, regrets, etc. These flooded my head like crazy, and at the most untimely hours,too (e.g. when I'm about to sleep).

Then after what happened just a few minutes from this blog as well as realizations as countless hours of thinking by myself, I grew to realize that some things are not meant to be yours. It'll be unfair, as life always is, but you're powerless and can do nothing about it. It's like someone drew a line in front of you, saying that crossing said line would result to your destruction. And nobody wants to be broken down into nothingness, right?

All our lives, we come across something we like, but can never have. It may be material or not, but no matter how much we try to justify ourselves and put out a massive amount of effort, it all boils down to one fact: OFF LIMITS

I took a deep breath, cleared my mind, and braced myself. It may hurt me, but at least now I know something that would keep me from being in an awkward situation. I need to learn how to accept that not everything I want is bound to be mine. I realized it the hard way, I just hope that someone would read this and not go through what I did.

Good day!

Play Nice

Late in the afternoon, when I was on my way home, I got on this jeepney with two kids, probably brothers, who kept on arguing over a drink. One was teasing him for not pronouncing the drink right (probably the older of the two), while the other kept on asking for a sip. Sure they were fighting over it, but I never saw one of them hit the other, nor say anything mean or hurtful. And in the end, the older one let the younger kid have a go at it. Childish, yes, but a whole lot better than when grown-ups fight.

Sometimes, grown-ups are a lot worse when fighting. We hurt each other in ways kids can't even understand fully yet. We say things that go deeper than any knife could ever go, leaving wounds that Band-aid can never patch up. We hurt others a lot worse than the worst scraped knee we ever got, and no kiss could ever make it go away. But what's even worse than that is to hurt someone without even lifting a finger nor uttering a single sound, and without even knowing who and how we did so.

And what's saddening is that we sometimes hurt those we vowed never to hurt. We leave those we promised to be with. We push away those we once held onto. We grow selfish and possessive that separation is the only means of freedom, like a small bird being held tightly in one's hand. A sad truth that leaves us to wonder if being all grown up was a sad realization that we are more prone to being hurt and hurtful. We exhibit a trait only to be considered normal for a five-year-old child. Childish, but never cute.

So let go of those petty arguments that know no end, and play nice. Remember your kindergarten days, where the only rules are:

1. Play nice

2. Never hurt anyone

3. Say sorry when you do

Or, at least that's what I think they were.

Opening Old Wounds

Today was my first day on a different section! It was great! Although it was tiresome and uncomfortable, it went better than I could have thought it would. I spent time with my classmates, chatted with them, and caught up with what had happened while I was away. But they kept on asking me certain questions that only led to my silence. I don't know if they noticed (and I hope they didn't), but it really got me.

Has it ever happened to you that someone or something reminded you of what was, and could have been, in a relationship? It may have been when a friend asks you, "Hey, what ever happened to that guy/girl you once liked?" or "So how are things between you and him/her?" Maybe you were reminded by a place where you once went together, or an activity that seemed a lot better if he/she was around. Maybe it's when you lay down in bed at night, when you stare at the ceiling or look out the window, that you recall all the good times you've enjoyed, bad times you've endured, and things that could have happened if things didn't end so soon.

It hurts us, gives us that indescribable angina pectoris we get as we're about to break down but don't. We force ourselves not to fall into pieces, mainly because doing so won't change things.

But a question arises from the issue, "Why do we keep on picking at the scabs and scars of our wounded hearts?" Is it to relinquish a lost love, to reminisce on the good times, and try to search for the reasons for the bad times. Are we that much of a masochist that we can't give ourselves the time and space to heal enough, if not completely, so that our hearts can function one more.

Whatever your answer maybe, let me tell you a few things.

First, if you're going to accept this habit of yours, make sure that you do it in moderation as this may impede all other functioning. As I once heard from a wise man, "The heart of the problem is sometimes the problem of the heart."

But, if you choose to ignore and numb yourself of this, also do it in moderation, as numbness of the heart can be permanent and irreversible if not treated. Remember that when a door closes, two windows open.

So be wary of looking for could have's and has-been's.

Hello and Goodbye

So today I went to the university I attend to enroll for summer classes. I was there a bit late since enrollment starts at 8am. But to my surprise, schedules were changed. From the announced date of April 15, it was moved to the 17th. I thought to myself, "Oh well, more time to relax and do what I want." But then as I went my way to the mall to spend time there, I received a text message from a former classmate on the same university.

"Pwede na daw mag-enroll ngayon, sabi ni Ma'am," is what the message said. This drove me nuts! I was pissed off because I was already there and it would only take an hour or two. I was about to vent out my anger on the nearest thing I could see as I stormed down the aisles of the Department Store when she sent another text message.

"Classmates na ulit tayo," she said. This calmed me down. It got me thinking. Wow, I can't believe I'm actually moving back to the section I know and love. But on second thought, I'd be leaving a section I grew to love despite the many reasons I had to loathe being there.

I didn't know whether to be happy, sad , or both. It was a relief to be out of the pressure, but it was sad to wave goodbye to those I'll be leaving. But hey, I might have left the section, but I have not left them as friends. Even if we won't b able to see each other as often as we did, I'd still see them around. It's a small world, and a lot of surprises happen when you least expect them.

So, I guess this means goodbye Section A. It was a nice stay, but I have to go. Thanks for everything you've taught and shown me. Do your best, guys! Gambatte kudasai!!

And for those other people who have to leave behind people they have grown to love and cherish, there will always be a reason as to why they call it GOOD bye and not BAD bye. Learn to make the most of the situation, but never forget where you've been and who you've been with.

Mata ne, mina-san!!

Fool Me Once, Fool Me Twice.

Ever been fooled by the same person more than once? Frustrating, isn't it? We say to ourselves, "No way am I falling for that again." But in the end, you did fall for it, AGAIN. A true "face-palm" moment. But hey, it happens to the best of us.

It's just that in this world, there will be people who will stop at nothing to bring you down and drag you to the floor. These people will try to appease you by befriending you, even become someone you'd love and adore. They may try to give you as much as you want, and be by your side as much as they can, just so they can get what they want from you. A leech-like relationship, if you will. For once they get what they want, they'll leave you, right then and there. They'll back stab you as soon as their hunger is satisfied. They leave you with the regret, guilt, and depression, like a poison that'll rot you from the inside, slowly eating at your very being.

"Iniwan sa ere. Indian. Pabitin." ~ Just some of the terms you'd be saying if you experience it.

But this can be avoided by simply reminding yourself that once a person has done something as low as leeching at you, never again attempt to acquaint or entertain such a person, and be wary of whom he or she might strike next.

Forgive and forget? Screw that! These people don't deserve it! They'll just do it over and over again, so stay vigilant! Stay sharp, and avoid such despicable things from happening to you.

Open up!

It's another afternoon of boredom and nothingness here at my house. So I decided to blog! But don't get me wrong, I don't blog just to pass time. I do this to satisfy my urge to tell other people about my opinion, since not every one here wants to lend an ear to what I have in mind.

And that's the topic of my blog! Listening! *applause*

Let me ask you a question, dear reader. Have you ever felt that no one really listens to you? Have you ever felt like you should just shut up and smile when you're hurting inside? Did you ever experience the feeling that your voice is insignificant and worthless? Well, if you answered yes to some if not all of these, you are not alone! I, too, face that circumstance time and time again.

For most of us, being heard and having those who heard understand what you had to say is something we've always dreamed of. Having everyone's attention as you voice out your opinion or thoughts about a certain issue or topic. It would have made the world a better place if we all listened to what each side had to say.

But that's not the case. Most of the time, we raise our voices to be heard that we stop listening to what others have to say. We force our ideals without even yielding and giving way for others to speak. All we care about is what we have to say ourselves, not what the other person does. We grow selfish and stubborn, insisting our point-of-view rather than putting ourselves in their shoes first. We misjudge them by regarding their opinion as rubbish and insignificant in all aspects concerned.

And ultimately, we run the risk of hurting and damaging one's morale and being by disregarding their side of the story. While some may be strong enough to move on, some don't have that much will power to do so. They end up discouraged, and create a mindset that their ideas will always be turned down no matter how good it may seem.

So the next time you run into an argument or debate, take a pause and let the other talk about his or her side of things, for it'll never hurt to listen to what others have to say. Open your ears, and your hearts.

Lex Divina

Expressing how you feel towards someone can come in many forms. Some put into words, some into song. Some say it with art, like poems and ballads. Other say it in the grandest way they can, by making presentations, airplane clouds, fireworks, so on and so forth, while some just say it simple and concise. These few who are not afraid to show their affection and adoration get saluted for their courage. They are applauded for their confidence and determination, just to get a message sent.

But what about those who are too scared to say it, or even try??

A poor few who can't utter their true feelings to those they hold most dear, or have a hard time doing so, are among us. They go on every day with a sigh, knowing it'll be another day that ends with them keeping what they have in their hearts hidden from the eyes and ears of those they love.

They get nervous, sometimes even sweaty. Their hearts race as if they're about to have a heart attack. They easily get tongue-tied, unable to utter anything of coherence. They sometimes get breathless, almost enough to make them faint. They get butterflies in their stomach, leaving them unwell and nauseated. They are often left frustrated by the fact that they can't say something they practiced all night. Even more frustrated when they see their intended beau the day after their failed attempt. They endure this over and over again. Some give up, some keep going.

You can say that they're unfortunate because they endure the abrasion of the fact that their feelings aren't known to those they are intended for, but for me, I salute them more. They go on each day, holding on to the hope that one day, things will go their way, and finally, they will be able to get across words so easy to pronounce but so hard to say with meaning. They take the full damage of the blow brought about by the uncertainty of the outcome they may face once they do succeed, surviving each day with a thorn to their side.

But one day, whatever the result of their efforts, they're a lot wiser than those who found love as if by magic. They learn to endure, accept, and apply things they have experienced as they went on a journey that fared to be the sharp end of the blooming rose. They are the few who were once silenced, but in the end, earn the right to shout out their rejoicing to high Heaven.

Store Display Windows

Ever had that moment when you wanted something you saw at a store's display window, but can never have it for reasons beyond your control or power? You can walk down that path every single day, look at it, and dream of things you'd do with it, but all the same, you can never have it.

It's kinda like loving someone you know you can never have as your own, be it because he/she doesn't feel the same way, or someone else has already filled up the space you wanted to be on. Loving from a distance, never getting anything in return. Sacrificial, as you give your all.

Sucks, doesn't it?

Well, that's how I felt after seeing someone I once loved unconditionally a day ago. I remembered all the time and effort I wasted on her just to keep her happy when she was down. How I cared for her, did my best to keep her from breaking down, cheering her up when things looked bleak, and even went with her when I could have been doing something far more important. She once meant the world to me. I may not have been significant in her world, but to me, she once was. But not anymore.

Realizations sometimes come late, but all the more, they free us of the hurt and despair we get from something that happened in the past. They're our escape from a prison of regret and depression a person sometimes falls into. They pulls us out of a sea of tears and blood.

Whether they come early, on time, or too late, they all relieve us of the sadness and pain. So if a realization comes across your train of thought, accept it, think on it, and live with it.

Buses and Trains

So after a tiring day at the Sampaguita Interlude, I treated a few friends to some coffee and had a talk with them. We talked about how things will be this summer, and what we might be facing as summer school starts. Changes were made on the sections and groupings, so I had this feeling I won't be where I was last semester. I was gonna miss being with them, although they were a little abrasive at times. But hey, I learned to love them at some point. I just wish them all the best and that they get to where they desire to be.

Back to the story.

As we were about to go home, we ran into our Level Coordinator. At first we were scared that she might be pissed that we were hanging out at the mall in our clinical uniforms, but surprisingly, she wasn't! So I decided to treat her to coffee too, just for the heck of it! Also, as a thanks for all the stuff she did for us.

We had a little chit-chat with her too, talking about her life and times as a nursing student, her encouragements and advices. She was really swell! Wish I had more time to get to know her. I bet it would have been great working with her too! I'll miss her quirkiness, but more importantly, her passion to set us straight.

And so we had to get going since it was getting late. Then I went on to ride the train. Again, the same thing happened. I got pushed a lot, I saw a lot of discourteous men, and almost had to fight my way out the train. But what had me the most was something I thought of as I stood there, clinging for dear life as the train moved and stopped, over and over again.

Here goes.

"Life's a lot like a train ride.
Some get off sooner than others,
some take too long before they get off.
Some take their time, some rush in too fast.
But we all get there someday.
Some enjoy the journey, some just because.
But all the same, we get there someday.
So cherish what is and what will be,
because someday, we all get there."

No, it's not a poem, or anything. Just something I thought of. It may not be much, but it's something to remind us of life anf a lot of other things.

Well-acquainted

So tonight's just another boring Saturday night for me, as it would be any other week. But as I saw a few lists of friends, associates, and acquaintances, I had this "eureka" moment, so to speak. For years, I have saturated myself around people, most of which knew me only by reputation, name, or otherwise. But how come I only really know a few, and a few only really cared? Most of them were just there because they needed something. And a better question is, "Where are they now?"

They say that people come and go in a person's life, but only those that really matter stay. It may be that they may seem important at the moment, but once they're out, you grow out of them. It may not be instantaneous, but hey, it'll all work out. So if you feel under-appreciated, or not appreciated at all, don't feel bad about it! Sooner or later, the leeches and parasites who suck on your blood and fluids will thaw out, and what would remain are those chosen few who stuck with you through thick and thin.

So to those leeches and bloodsuckers who feed off other people's efforts and work, but never gave a word of thanks, SCREW YOU!

And to those who are victims of such cruelty, be strong, my friend. Keep on doing what you do best and don't let anything get in the way, esp. said parasitic lifeforms.

PEACE OUT!!

Afternoon conundrums

So its the middle of the afternoon, and I'm stuck at home! Of course I'd be stuck at home, it's freakin' hot outside! So hot I think I can cook bacon and eggs by the pavement! It even hurts to look outside the windows! I feel like I'm wasting precious hours I could have done something creative and productive! Something like practicing my flute, cleaning the house, or finding a hobby.

Finding something to do this vacation became difficult all of a sudden. Back when it was school season, we all thought of things to do during the vacation. Parties, outings, trips, visits, etc etc. But did we ever accomplish said plans? I planned on getting serious about my recently-embraced hobby, but look at me now! I'm not even doing anything related to it! I feel so counter-productive!

So each day boils down to me wasting time with my Facebook account, playing THE WORLD ENDS WITH YOU, and sleeping.

And what is it with the heat and being hungry all the time?! I can't seem to control my binge eating! IT may be because I'm bored, or maybe the heat's doing this to me. Whatever the reason, it's turning me into a lost cause.

But hopefully, by the time the Holy Week ends, I'll be doing a lot more. So don't be like me, make something out of your vacation!!

I am for CHANGE!

Okay! So here I am again, blogging after a few months, if not years, of occupying myself with my studies.

And that brings us to my first blog topic!

So recently I've been reading other people's blogs and posts on Facebook, tumblr, Twitter, etc. Most of them are really insightful and deep, so it bothered me that I haven't done my share. A lot has happened since I last blogged but I haven't had the time to sit down and type about it. Is it me or have I been neglecting my duties? I know I don't have a lot of readers, but hey, at least they care enough to read, right?

So I apologize to those who have read my blogs and haven't heard since then. I do solemnly swear to keep this new blog alive and updated as much as I can.

But it couldn't be helped! I was bombarded with requirements left and right! Pressure from classmates here and there pushed me to actually studying! It was straining my laid-back disposition way too much that I wailed and whined about it to my former classmates. Add to that numerous disappointments and letdowns. It was too much of a mess that I nearly broke down!

But good thing it didn't last long. Change was evident, so I embraced it. It's kinda scary cause I'm not yet aware as to where it would lead me, but it's a lot better than being in an environment bent on breaking you into pieces, eating you alive, etc. etc.

So embrace change! It's something no one can escape!