Word of the Day: Limitless

Definition

without limit, end, or boundary

Synonyms

boundless, unlimited, unbounded, infinite

So I recently watched the movie Limitless. Needless to say, I want NZT-48. No, I don't want the four digit IQ, the money, or the confidence. I just need the focus.

Seriously, I have a really bad attention span and it just seemed so good to be focused. If I had focus like that, I would have been able to read books I intend to read and those that I have to read to be good at what I want to do in life. I would be able to concentrate on things that I need and have to do, like write applications and exercise. I would be way smarter than people think I am if I was more focused and wasn't distracted.

I hate how people who know me say that I'm a smart person when clearly I'm not. I just know a little bit about something and deliver it in such a way that it sounds smart. If I had something like NZT, I would be able to be more confident about what I know and can do. It would open up new opportunities for me.

But such is life and NZT is far from becoming reality. The closest we have is a drug for narcolepsy, and it's not OTC. So tough nuts.

But really, one cannot rely on drugs to better life. You have to strive for it and struggle even.

It's just another Thursday.

Would you look at that! I made a Valentine's Day blog! WRONG! This has nothing to do with the wretched day celebrated by couples and lovesick people alike. Call me a bitter old fool, but I just hate the concept. The fact that a single day defines how much one loves another. While most of you see chocolates, roses, cards, and kisses, I see commercialism and petty traditions.



Now I'm not here to bash on the lovedrunk and infatuated. I came here to tell you what has been happening to me these last few months.

I've been here in the States for quite some time, with only a few weeks till my first official year here as a resident. But to be honest, I have accomplished squat. I've actually lost more than I've gained this past year. I told myself that I would do my best to be successful here, but things haven't been going well. It's as if life wants me to fail and lose everything. I've lost a lot, my love life including. It came at the worst time possible, but it festered long before it gave its final blow. So that's it for love, right? No.

So today I did something stupid. I sent her a message. Harmless, I thought. Nothing to worry about. Just a simple messages asking how she was. Little did I know it'll escalate into something that was too much to handle.



But I'll get to that in a minute. Back to what has been happening to me.

So things weren't looking up as it is. What's worse is that it took a toll on my psyche. As you all know, I've been known to over-think and sulk a lot. Well, nowadays I've lost motivation on anything. Everything felt so pointless that I'm scared I might do something foolish and cowardly. Sleep seemed to be the only thing that mattered to me. All I could do was lie down, close my eyes and escape everything. I wanted to abandon life, but I knew how hurtful that would be. Frustration just grew inside me, so much that almost anything could irritate me for no reason at all. I was ready to give up on everything, but that option was unacceptable.



But things picked up with a little help. I'm currently applying for a class that lasts a few months, just enough to get me to work in the hospital, even though it's not in the field I intended. For now, I'm just hoping things work out well so I could start soon.

I also intend to go back to the Philippines this coming August for a few weeks, but the thought seems too intangible at the moment as I have to raise money for me to get home. Again, hopefully I get to earn my way to a ticket back home.

I still need some motivation to keep me going, and somehow it feels like I'm venturing this road on a blindfold. And this blindfolded man just hit a thorny bush.

The message my ex-girlfriend sent me just hit home hard. Saying she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, although it was only via messages on the internet, that just got to me. For whatever reason, I don't want to know anymore. Part of me wants to know why, but another tells me that would only make it harder. It will be hard to shake this off, but I don't need this right now. As much as I loved her, I shouldn't let it get to me. Whether she thinks it's for the best, or just doesn't want anything to do with me, I may never know. But maybe I don't need to.

To many people, this day is a day of love, a day of cherishing those who meant the world to you. But to me, it's just another Thursday.

Hopeless?

There's a romantic in all of us. Well, most of us, I guess. But the point is, that one way or another, we long to be adored, fancied, wooed, and loved. A sense of importance that stems from the notion that another person longs for your attention, your presence, your affection. A feeling of purpose that is to requite and reciprocate the passionate expressions of amour. Ah yes, to love and be loved. Such a beautiful thing.

But then again, love is but a rose. Along with it's beauty is it's sting. It may be the life to most, but death to the unsung. It is but a two-edged knife that severs the ties that bind our passion, but also cuts deep into the soul, should it be wielded haphazardly.

I am no stranger to both sides of this most precious coin. It has its value, and its costs. I have loved, betrayed, and lost, all but for the pursuit of that one woman to ease the longings of my hopelessly romantic heart. I tried all that I could, exerted what little I had, crawled, howled, pleaded, and bled for it. But alas, there's only so much one man can take.

I have grown weary of chasing like a madman, flailing like a fish out of water, like a rooster with its head cut off. I have given up, it seems. I have lost all manner of will to carry on loving those who claimed to have loved me. I no longer have it in me to think of myself as someone who will end up with a lady who adores me as much as I do. The mere thought of it seems laughable now, as ridiculous as sow wearing scarlet boots and a bonnet.

And so, I no longer yearn for another's love, but the love of my own self. A chance to learn and perhaps be able to understand myself better. I wish to see what it is that I must love in myself, before I start to love again. How I ought to view my being, before loving another. And in this endeavor, I wish to find peace and satisfaction, without having to cling to another person. To have contentment in the face of being alone.

I pray that I find this in the near future, that I may seek to improve myself. Not for the sake of my love for some person, but for my love of self.

What once was mine...

Hey yo! Look at that! A more frequent entry! I sure hope people still read this blog because it would be suck eggs if I'm doing this for no one. Hahahaha...god, I'm so lame. So anywho!

I just re-watched Tangled for God-knows-how-many times. And I know what you're thinking...

"What in the hell is a 22-year-old guy doing watching Disney movies? A princess movie of all?!"

But hey, don't judge me. There's a whole fleet of grown men who are fans of magical ponies. So yeah. Besides, it was a good movie. Love the funny parts, the fact that the singing parts were not too long and too spontaneous, and of course the story.

But I guess as a hopeless romantic, I have a thing for sappy stuff like that. It's typical for a girl to want that fairy tale type of love to happen to her, but this movie got to my feels real good. It reminded me of how beautiful and special love can be, how it can turn someone who's intentions were purely for one's self into one who was willing to risk all for the happiness of the other.

The confrontation between Rapunzel and Gothel was one of my favorite parts. How things escalated and eventually led to the lead male character being killed. How the lead male character chose Rapunzel's happiness over his life, lived in crime and thievery. How he was able to admit to himself and to her that she was "his new dream," knowing that he may never be able to experience his new dream in the expense of his dream being free from her bonds.

You can say it was rather sentimental in my part as I was also put in a situation where I had to give up what was important to me for the sake of someone I loved. To give up something, whether it be the relationship or your life itself, is something noble in my opinion. Now i'm not trying to lift my own chair here or anything, but let's face it. Anyone willing to give up something he holds dear for the convenience of the other is quite admirable.

But one thing that still gets to me is the last phrase of the magic song used to activate the magical powers of Rapunzel's hair.

"Bring back what once was mine."

Year ender!

Holy shit balls, Batman! It's New's Years Eve!
Bloody hell, a year has passed, and what do I have to answer for? Absolutely nothing! I have accomplished little to none besides trophies on Playstation Network (add me! experiment727)! Perfect use of my time as I was forced to wait for months just to be let down. I've been here in the States for 9 months now, and most of the time I spent here were wasted away by waiting and dilly-dallying. Needless to say, this year sucked for me.

I've been feeling so out of it since Christmas, to be honest. For some reason, I wasn't as excited as I was back when I was in the Philippines. Maybe its the fact that celebrations back home were so much more vibrant and lively than it is here. Sure, I was in a family party like I used to back then, but it felt like I was far away from everyone. Like something was missing, or I was looking for something. Maybe it was the cousins and siblings I left back home, maybe it was the fact that I didn't know everyone in that room, but sure enough, my mind was somewhere else.

It's like the feeling of excitement about the holidays wasn't getting to me. As if the little boy inside me died and withered away, leaving nothing but a cold husk that is the older me. I once read a joke that the older you get, the less you look forward to Christmas. Hopefully, I regain my "spirit of Christmas" before I turn into a common Scrooge.

As for the New Year, I still recall how things were already warming up in the morning, with a few pops resounding down the street as kids and adults alike lit firecrackers and threw them to whomever unfortunate fellow stumbles on it. News of people injured because of fireworks welcome you along with morning coffee. The smell of blackpowder looming in the air. And when the countdown begins, you begin to question how you will survive all the blasts and flares going on and on for a few minutes all around you. But you sure feel that the celebration was, excuse my pun, a blast.

I miss it, being happy and excited over something such as a day celebrated unlike any other.

The birth of a Saviour, sent down to redeem the sins of all who lived and ever will live. A new beginning in the sense that things changed dramatically with His arrival.

And the end of a year, and the start of another. Resolutions are spoken, old ways are gone. A end to either the best days of one's life, or the start of a year filled with dreams and ambition.

Hopefully I too will find such hope and fervor.