Burn That Midnight Oil, Baby!!

It's been ages since I last blogged!! So here I am blogging as the midnight hour strikes!

And of course, you know why I'm up so late...so anywyas, here's a recap of things that happened to me since last blog:

1. I was so busy with studies, activities and a whole bunch of other stuff!

Yes sir, I was loaded. So much so, that I literally wanted to split myself into two just so I could finish stuff. I was up late, doing the unthinkable. I stayed at school longer thanu I have been before. I went to places that I would never have gone lest it was necessary. I was so busy, I wanted to die!! I know this won't be the end of it, but yeah, just to point out...I WAS BUSY AS HELL!!

2. Slowly getting over a love that was never really love.

Yep, finally accepting the fact that love doesn't like me at all. I end up kicking myself in the ass every time I try to take a risk and love. It sucks to be the "PLAN B" of a girl you've loved long enough that you're willing to see her running around with another guy. So I said to myself,

"Hey you dunce! Get a move on already! She already said she doesn't love you!!"

And so here I am, cheerful to say that I'm not as affected about it as I was before. I can now officially say that I am all over her.

3. I'm falling for a Japanese girl!

Yes sir, I am now in like with this Japanese girl I was introduced to by a friend of mine. I know, I know, you'd think it's too sudden and abrupt, but hey, I've known the girl for four years now(but sadly though, she only knew me recently), so no worries.

I get updates from the classmate who introduced me to her, and she agreed to suggest her on Facebook, and from there, we began to grow close to each other, or so I think. I just hope things work out for us, not that I'm hoping to win her heart, more like, I wanna win her friendship and company.

So there you have it! Apparently, not much is new about me.

Still the same guy, still the same problems.

So help me, God.

It's funny how we sometimes put effort or one thing, only for it to be taken from us. Funny how we cherish one thing, but in the end, it falls into someone else's hand. Funny how we try to be the best we can, but end up being left behind to turn into our worst possible self.

Funny how love works for some of us.

Most of us have a very idealistic concept of love. Some still believe in the concept of fairytale-like romances, some think it's more of a competition. Some base it on the movies they watch, some on the books they read. Some think proximity is important, some say it's the thought and devotion that counts. Some say it's based on the laws of attraction, some debate it to be purely instinct.

What ever viewpoint you have on love and affection, all I can say about it right now is...

It's one h*ll of a crazy b*tch with no sense of humor.

After being someone who loved with all that I had, I slowly grew numb to being left behind by someone who got what she want, then left. Be it a couple of movies, meals, trinkets, etc etc. It was all the same, I was spent like a piece of tissue paper, thrown away soggy and soiled. With no care as whether I would live or die. It became a never-ending cycle.

Well, not anymore.

I now refuse to follow my heart, and think before I fall. Never again will I have to suffer the consequences of loving someone UNDESERVING and UNWORTHY of such love.

I'm not saying that my love is the most sacred and precious thing there is. I'm saying that only those who would care enough to appreciate and cherish my love are the only people worthy of it. I will never waste my love, life, energies, and resources on someone who's nothing more than a LEECH.

So help me, God.

Sleep On Hold

Yes, I deprive myself of sleep. I know I shouldn't, especially not now since I have hospital duty the morning after. It ruins my working habits and delays my reaction time. But why, you ask? Because of dreams.

Dreams are of the subconscious, something we often times don't get to voluntarily recall or bring up on our own. But one thing is certain, they are there for a reason. Call it a bad omen, foresight, or whatever. But for me, I wish I never dreamed at all.

Because once I close my eyes, to sleep and rest, all I see is her. I dream of her every single night, maybe because I long to be with her, to have and to hold, to love her and call her my own. But the hard cold facts hit you when you least expect them, like a cold, icy shower, waking you up from the daze you put yourself into. SHE'S NOT MINE. SHE BELONGS TO SOMEONE ELSE.

She's happily in love with some guy she goes to class with. They've known each other for I don't know how long. But yeah, no matter what I do, SHE LOVES HIM, NOT ME.

So every single night, every single dream, is all about her. I see her pushing away, I see her running away from me. I see myself tied down on the floor, unable to reach out to her. I shout, but silence was what came out. I tried to wrestle and fight my way towards her, but every step grows shorter and shorter. I chase after her, but the road seemed to get longer and longer.

And what's worse, as every dream closes, I see her in his arms, as he smirks at me, and as she looks on, as if in disgust.

Then I wake up, almost about to cry. But I hit myself and scold myself for being weak. I say to myself that these won't do.

Even if I cried a river of tears and blood, it won't being her back to me. Not unless she does.

So tonight, I propose a toast of coffee.

To the hearts that love screwed up and left in a beautiful mess.

Cheers!

What The Hell?!

It's all I can say right now. Seriously.

Guess what, I'm once again a victim of a vixen. Smitten by another text message, hurt by petty words. Pathetic, yes? But this poor heart has had just about enough. This ticker's not so mild-mannered anymore. And now look where it led him, same place he started. He's foolish, almost senile. He does things before thinking things through, loving before taking a breather. He's STUPID.

My brain says no, he says go. It's like I'm managed by two entities that do nothing but contradict each other. Leading towards chaos both in me, and in the relationships I undertake. All there is will be sorrow and pain, in my part anyways.

For years, I've done nothing but love because I'm needy. But now that I've grown serious, she babbles about me not being there physically. She longs for someone near her, says she misses those near her.

WHAT THE HELL!! HOW COULD YOU MISS SOMEONE YOU SEE EVERY FUCKING SINGLE DAY?! WHAT! THE! HELL!!?

It's like a sad sad joke being played on me by everyone, all of them laughing at me like an idiot! FUCK THIS!

I'm leaving the country anyways, I'd find someone better than anyone I've ever been. Especially someone with a logic that has validity and sense!

I may love you, but it doesnt mean I cant judge you because, damn girl, your logic about things is screwed!!

DAMMIT!! HOW COULD YOU MISS SOMEONE YOU SEE EVERY SINGLE DAY?! FUCK!!

She's not taking me seriously!! I fucking hate it when I say something and they take it as nothing of importance!

I SPEAK LESS AND LESS THAT WAY! Lessens the words I waste that fall into deaf ears!

It's the same as speaking to a wall!!

WHAT THE HELL!!?