Sleep On Hold

Yes, I deprive myself of sleep. I know I shouldn't, especially not now since I have hospital duty the morning after. It ruins my working habits and delays my reaction time. But why, you ask? Because of dreams.

Dreams are of the subconscious, something we often times don't get to voluntarily recall or bring up on our own. But one thing is certain, they are there for a reason. Call it a bad omen, foresight, or whatever. But for me, I wish I never dreamed at all.

Because once I close my eyes, to sleep and rest, all I see is her. I dream of her every single night, maybe because I long to be with her, to have and to hold, to love her and call her my own. But the hard cold facts hit you when you least expect them, like a cold, icy shower, waking you up from the daze you put yourself into. SHE'S NOT MINE. SHE BELONGS TO SOMEONE ELSE.

She's happily in love with some guy she goes to class with. They've known each other for I don't know how long. But yeah, no matter what I do, SHE LOVES HIM, NOT ME.

So every single night, every single dream, is all about her. I see her pushing away, I see her running away from me. I see myself tied down on the floor, unable to reach out to her. I shout, but silence was what came out. I tried to wrestle and fight my way towards her, but every step grows shorter and shorter. I chase after her, but the road seemed to get longer and longer.

And what's worse, as every dream closes, I see her in his arms, as he smirks at me, and as she looks on, as if in disgust.

Then I wake up, almost about to cry. But I hit myself and scold myself for being weak. I say to myself that these won't do.

Even if I cried a river of tears and blood, it won't being her back to me. Not unless she does.

So tonight, I propose a toast of coffee.

To the hearts that love screwed up and left in a beautiful mess.

Cheers!