Ten, Twenty

So in a few hours' time, I'm 20.

Yes, that's right, TWENTY. Goodbye teenager, hello young adult.

It brought a whole new perspective to me. A new point-of-view, in a way. I suddenly saw things in a way that I never did a few years back. It gave me this sense of responsibility, on myself, on my studies, and other people. But seriously, I don't feel that good about it. Mostly because I didn't exactly have that "great day" you expect on your birthday.

This day, the eve of my birthday, started way too early, 3am in the morning. I woke up after a very troubling night. Yes, it was like a mean hangover, reading a text message from someone you love, saying that she misses someone else, someone she said she got over.

How's that for irony? Well, we're not exactly a couple, so I had no right. But still, it hurt like hell. Kept me up, tossing and turning in the top bunk of the double deck. Pretty sure my older brother who slept on the bottom bunk could hear me twisting and grunting as I tried to get some sleep. Which I did, a measly three hours' worth to be exact.

So yeah, waking up after that kind of night just sucks, plain and simple. You have to hand it to her, she’s one ICE QUEEN. She even said so herself. But yeah, I still had no right over that, so I shrugged it off for a while as I toiled to get ready. Unfortunately, I had no pressed pants, which deducted a few minutes to me otherwise limited time line. It forced my older brother to get up from slumber just to get me there on time. Sorry Bro, either that, or I get to file a report.

From then on, it was all sighs and long periods of silence. I tried my best to seem happy to everyone so they won’t see how beat up I was inside. I kinda felt that even if I did show some of it, they won’t care. So I stuffed it all inside long enough till we got dismissed. But alas, keeping it inside wasn’t working. It kept me bothered throughout the day, like a small drill boring into my head as I try to do what was needed, suppressing how hopeless I felt. Good thing I didn’t space out and confuse myself. Thank God I didn’t screw up or anything. But still, having dealt with that much was just about enough for a poor, little man like me. I got home, collapsing onto my bed with one big sigh.

As I lay in bed, a lot of things went through my mind. How much I gave, and how little any of those whom I loved ever really gave back. How much I loved them, and how reciprocated it all was. How foolish I was to give all of my heart, not even leaving half of it to myself. For years, I’ve lived a life of the hopeless masochist romantic, loving but never loved. It has been a sad, ten years of my life. I just wish I could escape this. Guess California may bring about some changes, but that’s another blog.

Speaking of which, I bet ten-year-old me will be very disappointed with 20-year-old me. Back then, I was cheerful, happy, and always up for new things. I cared less if you didn’t like me as long as I was happy with those around me. Back then, I had a best friend who was always there for me. Back then, I wanted to be a lot of things, and excelled in my academics. Back then, I was this cute, little boy who was adorable from head to toe. Back then, I WAS HAPPY.

But now I know that nothing lasts forever. Soon enough, I became a teen, a troubled on at that. Something snapped. I changed from this energetic boy, into this depressed excuse of a teen. Year after year, it only got worse. So bad, that it lead to me losing the only person other than my family, MY BEST FRIEND. She couldn’t take it anymore, she had to leave. I understood, said yes, and said goodbye. It was for the best, really. Now look where she is, all happy and accomplished. But me? Still the same sad excuse for a guy, alone and depressed. Always longing to be loved, not appreciating those around him, excluding himself from those who want to reach out.

Maybe it’s due to the fear of being let down, being left alone after lifting you up so high. A trauma of sorts. Loss after loss, I was losing more than a loved one. I was slowly losing my confidence in loving, and my trust. Trust on myself and trust on others. Too cautious about losing and hurting, that I practically shove people away.

I’m scared of losing those that I hold important, even though I already know that some of them might not be there for long. I’m also scared of hurting them by holding on too tightly.

So I guess you can say that I’m the stupid idiot who always pushes the self-destruct button.

So as the day closes and the day I never really cared about draws nigh, I say to myself,

“Idiot.”

Leaving On A Jet Plane

I went to the National Bureau of Investigations (NBI) last Thursday, something that was new to me. It was nothing more than a long line, leading to a man who dirtied my hands, took an awful photo of me, and a lot of shoving. It went on rather slowly, which really got to my impatience. Good thing we got there early, or else it would have pissed me off more than it already did.

Now if you’re wondering why the heck would I go there, it was to process a few papers that I needed before I could jet plane my way out of the country. Yes, OUT OF THE PHILIPPINES.
Now, going there wasn’t a voluntary thing. I was forced by my mother to go there with her and my father, who had to process the same papers as well. I was mandated to be excused for the whole day just to get that done. So I went through it with a heavy heart. Sitting there waiting wasn’t something I liked, so I wasted the hours thinking and listening to an iPod. That same day, I spent the night at my grandmother’s house.

And guess who decided to visit? This girl I’ve been wooing for a few weeks now. She came to pick up a book she needed. She got the book, but sadly, that was all the interaction we had. I was disappointed, but then again, I realized she wasn’t exactly obligated to reciprocate what I felt for her.
So then a thought came to my mind.

“What would happen to those I’ll leave behind once I leave for California?”

It wasn’t a fun subject, but it really had me going. Some might be relieved, some might feel bad. But to be honest, I don’t really think my leaving would change anything. I’m no integral part of anyone’s life anyways. I’m nothing more than an acquaintance you’d come to if you need something from me. So I guess, even if I left, not much would change.

I mean, could you really answer yes if I asked you,
“If I left, never to return again, would you at least feel a few minutes of sadness?”

So as that Thursday ended, I sighed, staring at the ceiling, thinking that leaving the country wouldn’t be a bad idea.

A vacation, a break, an escape.

Besides, no one would me miss, right?

Why So Serious?

Ok, so just to fill you all in I've recently started courting this girl that I've known for quite some time. Our communication and such have been cut off for almost a year, but we recently connected again. Well, almost.

At first, I was hesitant, but sooner than I thought, I started falling for her again. Not a very wise move to put it simply. But how can I not love her, she's been there always, and she was one of the reasons I smiled when I normally don't. She kept me up at night, and gave me strength all day. I had my mind set that I'm not gonna let this girl slip away for a second time. I was sure that this time, I was gonna make it right, set things straight, and hopefully, win her heart.

But that's not how the story has been going. Before I knew it, I had competition. Now, I'm not really the competitive type, so I did not say or do anything that would entail as such. I just kept on being who I am to her, and what I do for her. Simple as that. But what struck me hard was how she was so affected about him, but never bat an eye, or raised a brow for me. It was as if I was not much to be bothered about.

Next up, I was to do less and less. Yes, the relationship was just starting, but occasional hugs and kisses wouldn't hurt right? But no, she insisted that we save it for later. I agreed, because I respect her decision. But my mind had other theories. It went to overtime trying to reason out why she restricted me. It was as if I was on a leash, and I could only bark if she told me to. I am a submissive lover, always wanting to please the girl I love to keep her happy, but can't a guy get a kiss, or even a hug every once in a while?

Lastly, I recently borrowed her phone. I know, I know, some of you might think that's just too possessive, but my intentions were pure. All I did was browse through her pictures, which I did. She really looked cute in all those poses and clothes, too. But what got me was when someone texted her. It was the guy courting her, other than me of course. They havent been exactly well towards each other, as the girl stated. They were on shaky ground, an advantage in my opinion, but something inside me noted otherwise. It scared me. It was something my poor, little heart might not be able to bear. So I manned up, and returned the phone without questions.

"Soon enough, you'll grow up. Grown up enough to be able to toss stuffed animals and play things, to embrace the pains and reality of the world."

A quote I thought of while taking a shower.

Well, whatever happens, happens. It's up to us to accept them, or deny them.

Double Double

So now I am back in this game of love. And this time, I'm playing with a flame two year's in the making. I knew her in one of the gathering I have attended. It's been a fun while with her, she was sweet, I was sweet to her, we teased each other, had fights, hugged, kissed, etc etc...you know the drill...

We almost turned into a real couple, but circumstances and people around us didn't agree. I began to see her less and less, we talked less and less, it even almost went cold for the both of us. But I decided that I'd wait on her, hoping that one day we'd have the chance to make it right.

And after almost two years, she's now back into my life! I was thrilled to see her again, as she smiled at me, standing the same height as I was, wearing a pink-and-white sun dress that reached just above her knees. What really took me away was how she smiled at me when she first saw me after almost two years. But what really got me was when we hugged. I felt a spark run up and down my body, from the sole of my feet to the top of my head. It felt great that I almost thought my knees buckled.

I'm happy that she's back into my life, and I'm serious about it this time. No more childish segues. I'm willing to go straight to the point this time. Literally kneel in front of her if I had to. I let her slip away from me once, but I'm not gonna do it again.

But I can't help but notice something when we first met.

All she ever mentioned other than the things we used to do, places we've been, and all that, was her ex-boyfriend, who we met the same day we went on our first date. I didn't want to ask what happened between them because I didn't want to bring up the past, but she talked about how they used to go here and there, things he did and all that, although not all the time, but still, in several occasions.

But it sort of hurt when she mentions them, as if there's something she's missing. I'm scared to lose her, but sooner or later, I'd have to talk to her about it. I'm not quick to judge, but I have this strange feeling that I'm just here on the rebound, which I have known isn't a very good situation to be in.

I really can't say anything about this. I just hope and pray that this time, no screw-ups.