Ten, Twenty

So in a few hours' time, I'm 20.

Yes, that's right, TWENTY. Goodbye teenager, hello young adult.

It brought a whole new perspective to me. A new point-of-view, in a way. I suddenly saw things in a way that I never did a few years back. It gave me this sense of responsibility, on myself, on my studies, and other people. But seriously, I don't feel that good about it. Mostly because I didn't exactly have that "great day" you expect on your birthday.

This day, the eve of my birthday, started way too early, 3am in the morning. I woke up after a very troubling night. Yes, it was like a mean hangover, reading a text message from someone you love, saying that she misses someone else, someone she said she got over.

How's that for irony? Well, we're not exactly a couple, so I had no right. But still, it hurt like hell. Kept me up, tossing and turning in the top bunk of the double deck. Pretty sure my older brother who slept on the bottom bunk could hear me twisting and grunting as I tried to get some sleep. Which I did, a measly three hours' worth to be exact.

So yeah, waking up after that kind of night just sucks, plain and simple. You have to hand it to her, she’s one ICE QUEEN. She even said so herself. But yeah, I still had no right over that, so I shrugged it off for a while as I toiled to get ready. Unfortunately, I had no pressed pants, which deducted a few minutes to me otherwise limited time line. It forced my older brother to get up from slumber just to get me there on time. Sorry Bro, either that, or I get to file a report.

From then on, it was all sighs and long periods of silence. I tried my best to seem happy to everyone so they won’t see how beat up I was inside. I kinda felt that even if I did show some of it, they won’t care. So I stuffed it all inside long enough till we got dismissed. But alas, keeping it inside wasn’t working. It kept me bothered throughout the day, like a small drill boring into my head as I try to do what was needed, suppressing how hopeless I felt. Good thing I didn’t space out and confuse myself. Thank God I didn’t screw up or anything. But still, having dealt with that much was just about enough for a poor, little man like me. I got home, collapsing onto my bed with one big sigh.

As I lay in bed, a lot of things went through my mind. How much I gave, and how little any of those whom I loved ever really gave back. How much I loved them, and how reciprocated it all was. How foolish I was to give all of my heart, not even leaving half of it to myself. For years, I’ve lived a life of the hopeless masochist romantic, loving but never loved. It has been a sad, ten years of my life. I just wish I could escape this. Guess California may bring about some changes, but that’s another blog.

Speaking of which, I bet ten-year-old me will be very disappointed with 20-year-old me. Back then, I was cheerful, happy, and always up for new things. I cared less if you didn’t like me as long as I was happy with those around me. Back then, I had a best friend who was always there for me. Back then, I wanted to be a lot of things, and excelled in my academics. Back then, I was this cute, little boy who was adorable from head to toe. Back then, I WAS HAPPY.

But now I know that nothing lasts forever. Soon enough, I became a teen, a troubled on at that. Something snapped. I changed from this energetic boy, into this depressed excuse of a teen. Year after year, it only got worse. So bad, that it lead to me losing the only person other than my family, MY BEST FRIEND. She couldn’t take it anymore, she had to leave. I understood, said yes, and said goodbye. It was for the best, really. Now look where she is, all happy and accomplished. But me? Still the same sad excuse for a guy, alone and depressed. Always longing to be loved, not appreciating those around him, excluding himself from those who want to reach out.

Maybe it’s due to the fear of being let down, being left alone after lifting you up so high. A trauma of sorts. Loss after loss, I was losing more than a loved one. I was slowly losing my confidence in loving, and my trust. Trust on myself and trust on others. Too cautious about losing and hurting, that I practically shove people away.

I’m scared of losing those that I hold important, even though I already know that some of them might not be there for long. I’m also scared of hurting them by holding on too tightly.

So I guess you can say that I’m the stupid idiot who always pushes the self-destruct button.

So as the day closes and the day I never really cared about draws nigh, I say to myself,

“Idiot.”