Release the inner demon.

So after weeks of stress, it's finally over. But this is just the calm before the storm. I'll be a Senior in a few day's time. Something I both dread and look forward to. But before that, let me tell you something "memorable" that happened to me last night.

(The reason I quote-unquote the word memorable is because I never really remembered much about last night. So yeah, things will be unclear in some part from here on out. Bear with me on this, reader.)

So yesterday, I went to this outing with a couple of my friends. I was looking forward to having a good time, just chilling and such. And that I did! It was a great place, very relaxing even though it was humid and we had to travel approximately 4 hours to get to the venue. But it was really a good feeling to be out of the hustle-and-bustle of the urban setting, and also to be out of the stresses I was immersed in, both at home and at campus. So yeah, I enjoyed every second.

But the morning after was awkward. I heard my friends chatting about things that happened last night. I can relate to some of them, but a lot was amiss. I tried to recall what happened when things progressed towards the evening. But it failed.

CONCLUSION: I was definitely drunk last night.

As they pressed on, sharing their perspective of last night, it hit me like a baseball bat as they told things I had done the night before. They saw me at my worst. Something that I'm not opt to show to anybody. They told me that I was so active and loud, that I cursed, and that I said things that were inappropriate, things that really shook me, almost toppling me off my bamboo seat.

They saw a part of me that was locked up inside a cage. Something I try to fight as much as I can. A totally different person, if I may say so. A part of me that I fear myself. Kinda like the case of Jekyll and Hyde. Except, my elixir was not so uncommon to the common man.

Yes, I may have drank more that I could usually take, but I guess my inhibitions died plainly because I was stressed out of my wits for months now. It may seem like a defense mechanism to say that stress was the reason I turned out like that last night, but to me it really was. I see no other reason for it.

Things got the better of me. Things that I could have resolved and avoided.

Yes, I AM WEAK. I could not control the inner demons I had deep inside, brought about by wrong decisions and influences. So I guess even good guys do bad things as well.

Let's just hope it won't have dire consequences.

On Hold.

I was once told that if I liked someone, I should be brave and tell them about it. I couldn't remember who it was, but man, if I knew who he or she was, I'd give him a good scolding. Because up until now, all it gave me was months of sleepless nights and crippling heartaches. It ruined friendships, and almost made enemies. All because I asserted myself.

And so I began to conclude that if life became miserable when I blurted out and loved someone, life would be better if I didn't.

And that I did, back when I was in high school. I tried to bottle things up and not tell anyone about how felt and all that negativity, but where did it lead me? Same thing.

So now I ask myself, "Where the heck does this all lead me to?" It's like a loop that seems unending, making me nauseated and ill. It's as if I was put under some kind of twilight zone (no, not the vampire-that-glitters-when-hit-with-sun rays kind). Ironic, sarcastic, and oh so cruel.

I once thought that there was a lesson to be learned, but if it kept happening over and over again, maybe I haven't learned squat from all of it.

I even sympathized with Chuck from the movie "Good Luck, Chuck," who always ended up being left by his girl, only to find out that she's happier with her new one. It's as if I was cursed to roam the Earth to love, but never to be loved back. A scary thought, in my case.

I also thought that the fabled "girl-of-my-dreams," the amazing "soul mate," or whatever you would call it, would come crashing through the door to be the only exception from all the girls I've loved. Well, may patience is wearing thin. And I know for a fact that I won't live long in the current state I am in. A little too optimistic, don't you think?

I spent years trying to figure out what went wrong. Was it me? Was it them? Was I too pushy? Was I too clingy? Questions like these kept haunting me, especially when I lie down in bed to sleep. It clouded my heart, mind, and soul. It really got to me. I know something had to be done, but I knew thinking alone won't do.

So I resolved in myself that it could only mean one thing. I am not meant to love. I am meant to be the stepping stone to someone else's happiness. If I can't make myself happy, I can at least try to make others happy. I want to sacrifice my joy for someone else's.

So from now on, I vow to myself that I will put my loving heart on HOLD, for a very very long time. I will put rationality over all other things. My goal is to be less and less of a hassle or an issue to anyone who knows me.

Impending Doom

So I started this day way too early. 1 am. I woke up, as if I was hit by a jolt of lightning. My heart raced as I clenched it with a hand. Then as my consciousness went into focus, I wondered,

"What the heck just happened? Why did I wake up like that?"

I couldn't really find out why that happened at that time. It bothered me for quite a while that I couldn't get back to sleep. So I spent a couple of hours turning and twisting in bed, trying to sleep off a few more, but failed. It clouded my mind too much to even let me sleep it off.

As I got out of bed, it hit me. My head hurt like hell, and it also made me fall on the ground. But luckily, it didn't. I endured the pain as I went on with my preparation for the day's duty.

Which leads to the chain of unfortunate events that lead to this very blog.

To keep things short and not add insult to injury, I'll enumerate what went wrong.

1. I messed up the whole day, not only for myself, but for those who trusted and had their faith in me.

2. I pretty much sucked at everything I did.

3. I didn't have a clue what to do most of the time.

4. I hassled more people than the regular daily allowance recommends. (Yes, there is an RDA for that.)

5. I'm an EPIC FAIL for a leader.

To make things worse, I went home with a pretty nasty migraine which I'm currently trying to ignore so I could put this down.

Talk about bad vibes from morning till night...

Elated Feeling

Remember how bad my day was last time I blogged? Well, just this afternoon, as I was leaving the train station near my place, it started to rain lightly. I watched as slight streaks of white lines fell from the sky, tearing across the smoke and dust in the atmosphere. As I went down the flight of stairs, the song "Fix You" by Coldplay started to play on my phone's music player. It felt surreal as I walked down the sidewalk, the raindrops drizzling on me, coating my glasses with droplets in streaks, feeling the cool breezes as they swept over everything.

And for some reason, I smiled. I smiled an honest smile, one I haven't done in almost a decade.

So as I walked down the sidewalk, I wore this smile on my face. It could feel my heart racing as the tempo of the song picked up. It was weird. Good, but weird.

Then I got scared. 'Euphoria' was the word that came to my mind. Sudden, unexplained happiness. It dawned upon me that this might not be a good thing at all.

But heck, I shrugged it off and went along with it!! I could care less if this got worse. Might as well embrace it.

I played the same song a few more times till I got home.

EUPHORIA ~ Take a gander...

Blowing Off Steam

For no reason at all, I want to put this down into words, because kicking someone's ass for no reason at all may not be good for anyone, even me. So yes, I'm pissed off. Ever since last night, I've been nothing but in a good mood. I haven't been like this in quite a while. I guess I know why. I've tried my best not to get this mad at something, because I was literally shaking as I stood at the train with people bumping me over and over again. I couldn't vent it there, so here's my first ever hate blog.

Ever had that feeling that someone's lying to you, even when you already know something they did? And the feeling you get when they try to cover up said lies by more lies? Certainly not the best feeling in the world.

For some reason, people tend to lie more just to cover up one little mistake or error they did. They have this thinking that they can save their asses by using the same trick over and over. And to try to rationalize by using the most impossible of reason and circumstances they can think of.

I'm no expert on how people lie and what they exhibit when they do, but to be able to know for certain that this person lied to me, is something I wish I never had.

Why? Because I have been lied to so many times, it's not even fair on my part.

So I got used to it, and learned to shrug it off.

But not today.

I got so pissed off, I almost hit some random guy just by being in my way as I walked down the mall. This was so different from all those times I've been double-crossed that I couldn't stand it. I don't even have the appetite to eat at all because of the disgust I get from thinking about it.

It makes me cringe and boils my blood. It even caused a migraine to develop.

I am so not in the mood, I don't think I could stand to pretend to be okay tomorrow. Of all days to be like this, an exam day. Good luck with that.

Well, I better end this before my laptop cracks into two from all this typing. It didn't help at all. Still pissed. This is a warning to those who know me. Don't add insult to injury, I might just snap.