On Hold.

I was once told that if I liked someone, I should be brave and tell them about it. I couldn't remember who it was, but man, if I knew who he or she was, I'd give him a good scolding. Because up until now, all it gave me was months of sleepless nights and crippling heartaches. It ruined friendships, and almost made enemies. All because I asserted myself.

And so I began to conclude that if life became miserable when I blurted out and loved someone, life would be better if I didn't.

And that I did, back when I was in high school. I tried to bottle things up and not tell anyone about how felt and all that negativity, but where did it lead me? Same thing.

So now I ask myself, "Where the heck does this all lead me to?" It's like a loop that seems unending, making me nauseated and ill. It's as if I was put under some kind of twilight zone (no, not the vampire-that-glitters-when-hit-with-sun rays kind). Ironic, sarcastic, and oh so cruel.

I once thought that there was a lesson to be learned, but if it kept happening over and over again, maybe I haven't learned squat from all of it.

I even sympathized with Chuck from the movie "Good Luck, Chuck," who always ended up being left by his girl, only to find out that she's happier with her new one. It's as if I was cursed to roam the Earth to love, but never to be loved back. A scary thought, in my case.

I also thought that the fabled "girl-of-my-dreams," the amazing "soul mate," or whatever you would call it, would come crashing through the door to be the only exception from all the girls I've loved. Well, may patience is wearing thin. And I know for a fact that I won't live long in the current state I am in. A little too optimistic, don't you think?

I spent years trying to figure out what went wrong. Was it me? Was it them? Was I too pushy? Was I too clingy? Questions like these kept haunting me, especially when I lie down in bed to sleep. It clouded my heart, mind, and soul. It really got to me. I know something had to be done, but I knew thinking alone won't do.

So I resolved in myself that it could only mean one thing. I am not meant to love. I am meant to be the stepping stone to someone else's happiness. If I can't make myself happy, I can at least try to make others happy. I want to sacrifice my joy for someone else's.

So from now on, I vow to myself that I will put my loving heart on HOLD, for a very very long time. I will put rationality over all other things. My goal is to be less and less of a hassle or an issue to anyone who knows me.