27 on 27

"A birthday blog post?! But he hasn't posted anything in months! Why now?" 

You wake up early and buy yourself a dozen doughnuts. That says something about you, doesn't it. I thought the free coffee would do something, but it didn't. I got new speakers for my PC that I've been considering for days. They work great, but still nothing. People greeted me online, sending short messages. Mostly family, which I loved because I miss all my cousins and siblings back in the Philippines. Even those in different parts of the globe, also away from our homeland. Friends, most of whom I rarely talk to anymore. Their busy with their own lived and can't be bothered to just chill at home and chat. I understand that. Acquaintances from college,  sure. Either they got a  Facebook notification or remembered it, I said thanks to all of them. I mean, what else was I supposed to say?

"Oh gee, I would love to accept your wish for happiness on this day. But I guess I'd have to gloss over the fact that you buggered off from my life years ago."

Sure, maybe I'm looking into it too much. Maybe they don't mean anything by it. But excuse me for having second thoughts about being fake happy for someone who wouldn't care less if I got hit by a truck a week ago. They decided they don't want to talk to me anymore, months (years, even) pass, then they suddenly pop up out of nowhere. Maybe I should have blocked them, but that would seem petty of me. Bitter, salty, whatever. So no, I didn't do that. Boy, was I mistaken. Now I got these feelings that I'm sure I shoved down a vault of "Things to Avoid Like the Plague." It sucks. It spoiled the already uneventful day.

 "But shouldn't you be happy on your birthday? You should be out celebrating!"

I would love to, but what's the point? It's just one day where people who barely know you anymore feign appreciation for your existence. People who I once thought would be there for me, but decided to bail on me for whatever they found easier. I may have caused some of them to leave. Like my childhood friend who I adored. I had to go and fuck up the friendship by being a massive douchebag and act all entitled. Then there's the only girlfriend I had. I say that because she was the only one that I felt was actually invested in the relationship as much as I was. But I had to go and fuck that up as well by choosing a high school crush over the only person who actually wanted to be with me. So yeah, I feel like not a lot of people actually mean what they say when they wish me a "happy" birthday. It feels forced, obligated, insincere. I don't see a point in all this.

So I'm sorry if I come off as a cynic.

I'm already 27, but look where I am. While most people my age are excited to have families and shit, I feel like that stuff would ruin me more. My history of fucking up relationships made me realize that maybe I'm not cut out to be with anyone long-term. Relatives will probably start asking when will I get married, have kids, etc. And the answer is no. Never. I already have a brother who will pass on the family name, so what's the use? I'll be fine, probably. It'll suck not having someone to come home to every night, who will support me when I'm down. But honestly, who would do that for a shitty person like me? So no, I resigned myself to the fact that I might die alone. But if you think about it, we all do.

I'm 27 years old, and honestly...I didn't think I'd live this long. I imagined in my mind that I would have gotten some weird disease that will end me before I reach 30. Or a horrible accident. Or someone who hates me finally decides to kill me. I dunno. I had it in my head that if I died, that's it. I would love to say "No regrets," but my entire quarter-century run has been nothing but regrets. I've made tons of decisions that were poorly weighed upon. I would still be with my ophthalmologist girlfriend, I would have gotten my license here faster, I would have been so much better. But all those chances have passed.

So here's to another year of failed attempts and missed chances.

The Wedding Singer

So lately I've been thinking about things. After recently getting started in the career a path that I spent years studying for (and plenty more years of waiting and struggling), it dawned upon me what comes next after this. I've been planning to get a better car, one that wont die on me, and a place to call my own. I was fortunate enough to have relatives who were kind enough to let me stay in their home. But still, I figured I should get on with it since I can afford it now. But other than the things I could get with the salary I'm currently going on, I started thinking about the things that I might not get. And I'm a bit worried that I'm not as worried as I should be.

A decent job, a nice car, a house of my own. You know what comes next. But I never really was myself as someone anyone would settle for. Sure, I like the idea that someone out there yearns to live the rest of their lives with some guy like me, but I always end up thinking they could do better.

And they can.

The only people I know that would be likely to stick around long enough to make it official aren't exactly the people who are with me right now. It would be great, seeing as they've spent years of their lives with me, but I just dont see them actually saying yes to "will you spend the rest of your life with me?" They knew me as I was back in my childhood. I was a decent kid but who I was before is WAY different from who I am now. The things I know, want, and need. What I see in a person. Completely different. Between childhood me and current me, teenager me was a douche. He was the reason a lot of people arent talking to me right now. Thinking with the wrong head, he pretty much messed up future chances that I could be taking advantage of right now. Fuck you, teenage me! You suck!

So I've had this idea that marriage isnt for me, that I'll be fine on my own and that being tied to someone will just weigh me down and add responsibilities that could be easily avoided. What I dont get is how others can easily decide to do so and be as happy as they can be. I know a lot of friends now that got recently married, and I'm not dissing them for doing so. I just find it odd that they'd do it that early. But maybe that's just me. Maybe they did find their partner and want to make sure it stays that way.

Fuck if I know!

I ruined all the relationships I've been in and as far as I'm concerned, I'm not willing to even date myself. So maybe it really isn't for me.

But why did I start considering WHO I'll want to marry? Old flames, past relationships, childhood crushes. I started to dream of it, think of it on my drive home at 11 in the evening. Was it all the songs I listen to and go "Oh yeah, that would make a great wedding song." Maybe all the movies, TV shows, novels, posts, pictures, etc. that seemed to depict married life as some haven?

I'm well aware that not every marriage is a good one, and that more often then we want it to, it destroys lives. So what's up with me wanting something that I clearly am not ready for, something I know I wont be good at, and something that poses a threat to how I live my life now? Not that my life is great and all that. It's peaceful, uneventful, stable, routine. No other factors to consider. Just me.

So why? Is it because I'm nearing 30 and still single? Is it the fact that I cant hold a stable relationship without the other leaving for a better partner?

You don't have the right.

It seems that every time someone complains about something, there will always be those who say,

"Oh, boohoo! I'm sure someone else is having it harder than you, so shut the fuck up!" 

And they're not wrong to say that. It's completely logical to say that someone else is struggling with something much more devastating and life-changing than most. But does that mean we can't acknowledge that someone was suffering? We, as human beings, live because we go through challenges and obstacles, some harder than others. We all have our problems, we deal with them the best way we can, and we try to get others to understand that it is a problem for us.

"You're rich/successful/etc., you shouldn't be complaining so much. Just suck it up and don't whine like a baby." 

I can see why people would be quick to chastise them, seeing as they're better off than most, and they seem to be living decently anyways. But do we really need to mock someone who is clearly distraught, especially when it is warranted and something that gravely affects their lives? Of course there are those who get upset over the smallest things, stuff that don't even make sense to be upset about. But when someone gets slandered for something seriously bothering them, it doesn't sit well with me. It shouldn't sit well with anyone.

"He's complaining about not getting (large amount of something), while I only get (marginally lesser amount of something)! Fuck off, mate!"

Okay, I get it. You don't get as much as he does, but what seems larger for you could still be affecting them just as much. A loss is a loss, and having your work go unrecognized, and not get the proper exposure, that makes your work lose meaning. It drives you to say, "What the fuck?! I worked hard on this, and I'm not getting the credit I should be getting. This is bullshit!"  And it sucks when, despite being upset about it, people go about criticizing you and shaming you for ever being upset that something isn't going in your favor.

Yes, not everything will go according to plan, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be openly fumed about it. It shows that you care for what you do, and that it is a serious matter that needs attention. When something affects more than one person, it's not usually the one at the top making statements about it not going right. Most of the time, they point to others who clearly have no control over it, and blame them. But in some rare occasions, you see the people with the proper means to deliver a message, a way to communicate to everyone that something isn't going well, and most of the time they mean it so that everyone can regain what was lost and hope to fix the problem by bringing it to light.

So yes, not everyone's problem is as big as yours is, but it is a problem nonetheless. No need to belittle the stress and frustrations on others, just because it doesn't measure up to yours. It's their struggle and loss, and acknowledging that people have do deal with their own set of circumstances, regardless of how well off or despondent they are, makes for a better chance of people working together to solve problems.

What now?!

I wish I had enough time and ideas to write more. I believe I can make this a good way for me to get myself out there, develop a presence if you will. But the real world has been cruel and unforgiving and just wont let me be happy.

I recently took a license exam, one that would help skyrocket my quality of living here in the US. It's been years since I first started this process, with lots of rejections and bullshit. Having graduated outside of the country, I had to go through flaming hoops just to be accepted to take the test. I even had to move states for this to happen. It took longer than it should have, and not one particular party was solely responsible for it. It wasn't helping that people were expecting great things from me, saying how smart and talented I am. Which wasn't true at all. I'm average at best, and I know that well. I'm not a brilliant person, I just managed to go through all that by the skin of my teeth. I barely made it out of there alive. And I still am clinging by the tips of my fingers. The stresses have been bombarding me lately and I reckon my mental health is in dire need of attention. This exam could have helped me gain confidence in myself, and made the uncertainty of tomorrow fade.

But the end result wasn't the one I was hoping for. 

I failed. 

It sucks, because I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and this was supposed to be what would help me out of this situation I am in. Regret is the least of the feelings I have right now. But I can't say I'm surprised at all. Things haven't been going well for a long time now, why should this be any different. This is just another bullet to the long list of mistakes and failures that have been piling up. It makes one think that maybe this isn't for me. Maybe I should just quit and do something else. I'm currently in a fit of quiet despair.  

Yet I still believe that I do deserve it, and that I shouldn't just quit like this. I have people supporting me since I got here, and I don't want to let them down. They shouldn't be the only driving force in my attempt to better my life. I really do want to help others and I know that I can do good in the profession I chose. I adapted before, took a job that wasn't glamorous and financially fulfilling but I did it nonetheless because I had to. The expectations will always be there. I hate it, and I know that I should tell them to stop putting so much pressure on me and putting me on such high regards. The overthinking and anxiety isn't going away. But I have to push through. Just like I did before, by the skin of my teeth, down to the last bullet, up to the last minute.

I plan to take that damn test again, although I want to better prepare for it. I thought that studying on my own, after years of being out of the field, would suffice. But it didn't, and I have myself to blame for it as well. I could point fingers on a lot of people, but it was ultimately me who failed. I should own up to that mess, and learn to live with it.

So what now? I decided that the moment I saw that four-letter word. I will take on this task once more, and hopefully I will be better equipped to deal with it and move past it and get on with the dreams I had for myself and those that were there for me.

As a wise man once said, 

"Water can flow, water can crash. Be water, my friend." 

On Having a Good Trip

I've been meaning to write about my recent trip back home to the Philippines. It's been 4 years since I left, hopeful of making a name for myself and starting my life here. Looking back, I realize how much I missed while I was gone. How much has changed.

The main reason I went home was to attend my younger sister's college graduation. She was the last one of my siblings to finish college. I was planning on going home mid-March till early April, but plans change and things happen. I ended up going much later, attending a cousin's wedding as well.

The airplane rides left much to be desired, but I guess I shouldn't complain because they were cheap fares. More than anticipated were the hours spent sitting down, waiting and just dealing with whom I was stuck with for most of the flights. A book. some movies, food, and sleep helped out at least.

I arrived really late into the night, but my siblings and cousins were eager to see me. It felt good, knowing that someone was waiting. Soon as we left the airport, we grabbed food to eat and late night cups of coffee. That was when I started seeing just how different everything was. Buildings that weren't there now towered over the roads. What was once nothing but some foot bridges, now covered in concrete highways suspended by large, thick columns of the same material. I looked around as we drove down, heading towards home.

At least the house was as I remembered it, though 4 years did a number on it. My old room, which I shared with my brothers, still the same. Same wall paint color, same vinyl flooring, but the roof was worse than I last saw it.

After settling in, getting my bearings, and adjusting to the heat, I managed to feel at home again. Then it was day after day of going places I used to go, and doing things I used to do. One of which was using the public transit. Though some routes were changed, it was more or less what I was used to back in college. I missed that feeling, the open aired jeepneys, the smell of the inside of a van, the cramped closeness of the trains. There's nothing like it.

Another thing I missed was the food. A lot of the stuff I missed were home-cooked meals, street foods, and things considered local to the places I went to. Though I wish I had more time to eat more of the stuff I wanted, I couldn't really get to them as I hoped I would. I just hope they'll be there when I come back again.

I did say that I came back to attend events, and that meant meeting old acquaintances and seeing people I havent spoken to in almost half a decade. I did meet some of them, glad to know that they're doing well. There are a few that I would love to have met again, but I realize that it's for the best that I don't let old flames rekindle. They've moved on, probably forgot I exist, maybe even erased me from their lives entirely. That's fine. Only one of us needs to remember.

Then there were those who came waltzing back in, thinking things will be the same as they used to be before I left. Things should have gone better, but again, I think it's for the best I dont reconnect with them.

All in all, it was a good trip. I had a great time, honestly. I wish I didnt have to attend so many things, but maybe next time I'll try for a trip without any. Maybe even do it when it isn't so damn hot. Maybe I'll meet with someone, and things might pick up from where we left off, maybe not.

Who knows? Won't know till we get there.