Holy shit balls, Batman! It's New's Years Eve!
Bloody hell, a year has passed, and what do I have to answer for? Absolutely nothing! I have accomplished little to none besides trophies on Playstation Network (add me! experiment727)! Perfect use of my time as I was forced to wait for months just to be let down. I've been here in the States for 9 months now, and most of the time I spent here were wasted away by waiting and dilly-dallying. Needless to say, this year sucked for me.
I've been feeling so out of it since Christmas, to be honest. For some reason, I wasn't as excited as I was back when I was in the Philippines. Maybe its the fact that celebrations back home were so much more vibrant and lively than it is here. Sure, I was in a family party like I used to back then, but it felt like I was far away from everyone. Like something was missing, or I was looking for something. Maybe it was the cousins and siblings I left back home, maybe it was the fact that I didn't know everyone in that room, but sure enough, my mind was somewhere else.
It's like the feeling of excitement about the holidays wasn't getting to me. As if the little boy inside me died and withered away, leaving nothing but a cold husk that is the older me. I once read a joke that the older you get, the less you look forward to Christmas. Hopefully, I regain my "spirit of Christmas" before I turn into a common Scrooge.
As for the New Year, I still recall how things were already warming up in the morning, with a few pops resounding down the street as kids and adults alike lit firecrackers and threw them to whomever unfortunate fellow stumbles on it. News of people injured because of fireworks welcome you along with morning coffee. The smell of blackpowder looming in the air. And when the countdown begins, you begin to question how you will survive all the blasts and flares going on and on for a few minutes all around you. But you sure feel that the celebration was, excuse my pun, a blast.
I miss it, being happy and excited over something such as a day celebrated unlike any other.
The birth of a Saviour, sent down to redeem the sins of all who lived and ever will live. A new beginning in the sense that things changed dramatically with His arrival.
And the end of a year, and the start of another. Resolutions are spoken, old ways are gone. A end to either the best days of one's life, or the start of a year filled with dreams and ambition.
Hopefully I too will find such hope and fervor.
31 December, 2012
08 August, 2012
Performance Issues
So recently I got into a fight with my girlfriend. And it was a big one. One thing led to another, and here I am, stuck in a void of her silence. I took responsibility for what happened and what I said and did. It was all my fault. I admitted it, I even took cussing from her. But here we are, in a cold state in which I am probably suffering more than she is.
It has always been that way. At least in my standpoint. It's always been me who took the blame, who took the blow, who did everything to win her back. But was I ever enough for her?
NO.
I've always fallen short, I've always given less than demand. I've always been the one who did not do enough. I have always been inadequate. I can see it clearly, I can feel her judging me for it.
She's always admiring these ridiculously attractive people, tell me how good looking they are, how great they are, etc etc. I cannot agree with her more that said personalities are indeed appealing and talented. But it puts a pressure on me to be something I will never be. It's unfair because I never mentioned anyone that would make her feel the same way.
I know I shouldn't be feeling like this, nor should I be thinking that she's comparing me to anyone at all, but it's still enough to make me feel that I'm never gonna be her vision of great or wonderful.
I was never beyond average, and I've come to admit that. But it sucks that I'm powerless whenever her attention drifts towards someone I can never become.
You may say I'm just asking for too much, but the thing is she never really put that much attention to me as one might think. I can understand when she's busy with something important, but most days she shuns me away while she's doing something unimportant or playing some game.
I must be boring her so much that she never bothers to talk to me as much as she did before. She must be thinking that she should be with someone far better than me. I wouldn't blame her.
But I love her, and it would kill me to lose her again. I will not take no for an answer. But even if she does end up leaving me for someone else, I will continue to love and fight for her, even if it takes me a lifetime.
It has always been that way. At least in my standpoint. It's always been me who took the blame, who took the blow, who did everything to win her back. But was I ever enough for her?
NO.
I've always fallen short, I've always given less than demand. I've always been the one who did not do enough. I have always been inadequate. I can see it clearly, I can feel her judging me for it.
She's always admiring these ridiculously attractive people, tell me how good looking they are, how great they are, etc etc. I cannot agree with her more that said personalities are indeed appealing and talented. But it puts a pressure on me to be something I will never be. It's unfair because I never mentioned anyone that would make her feel the same way.
I know I shouldn't be feeling like this, nor should I be thinking that she's comparing me to anyone at all, but it's still enough to make me feel that I'm never gonna be her vision of great or wonderful.
I was never beyond average, and I've come to admit that. But it sucks that I'm powerless whenever her attention drifts towards someone I can never become.
You may say I'm just asking for too much, but the thing is she never really put that much attention to me as one might think. I can understand when she's busy with something important, but most days she shuns me away while she's doing something unimportant or playing some game.
I must be boring her so much that she never bothers to talk to me as much as she did before. She must be thinking that she should be with someone far better than me. I wouldn't blame her.
But I love her, and it would kill me to lose her again. I will not take no for an answer. But even if she does end up leaving me for someone else, I will continue to love and fight for her, even if it takes me a lifetime.
28 July, 2012
Survived for 22 years!
Yes yes, it's been ages since I last blogged about anything, but I guess since it's my birthday, I should probably do it.
Yes people, I was born 27th of July, 1990. I was born in San Juan, Quezon City, but was raised in Bacoor, Cavite. I've been living there for 21 years, and this is my first birthday outside my homeland. To say the least, it wasn't any different from any other birthdays I have had.
I woke up yesterday, went to work, and just went about my day as usual. I thought nothing of the day, having little to no regard that it was my birthday. I never really made a big deal out of it ever since.
Sure, co-worker greeted me and all, but it was just routine and too common. One of them gave me a shirt as a present. It was a nice gesture, probably just because I was starting out.
When I got home, they had cake for me! It was sweet of them to sing to me as they set the cake, with candles mind you, right in front of me. It felt great, but it didn't last long.
You know that feeling you get when you're expecting something great but ended up in disgust and being annoyed? Well, that happened.
It was a shock to see the least likely people to greet and remember my birthday to actually do something great, and an even greater shock when the person you expect to do something did NOTHING.
I guess it is childish of me to be thinking that way, but it sucks. But I'll just shrug it off, give it a sigh, and let it pass.
I just hope my week's stay in Almanor, CA would give me some peace and slough off the stress.
Mood: Fed up
Yes people, I was born 27th of July, 1990. I was born in San Juan, Quezon City, but was raised in Bacoor, Cavite. I've been living there for 21 years, and this is my first birthday outside my homeland. To say the least, it wasn't any different from any other birthdays I have had.
I woke up yesterday, went to work, and just went about my day as usual. I thought nothing of the day, having little to no regard that it was my birthday. I never really made a big deal out of it ever since.
Sure, co-worker greeted me and all, but it was just routine and too common. One of them gave me a shirt as a present. It was a nice gesture, probably just because I was starting out.
When I got home, they had cake for me! It was sweet of them to sing to me as they set the cake, with candles mind you, right in front of me. It felt great, but it didn't last long.
You know that feeling you get when you're expecting something great but ended up in disgust and being annoyed? Well, that happened.
It was a shock to see the least likely people to greet and remember my birthday to actually do something great, and an even greater shock when the person you expect to do something did NOTHING.
I guess it is childish of me to be thinking that way, but it sucks. But I'll just shrug it off, give it a sigh, and let it pass.
I just hope my week's stay in Almanor, CA would give me some peace and slough off the stress.
Mood: Fed up
15 June, 2012
In A Sadist Kind Of Way
So earlier today, I had an exchange with a rather peculiar girl. She was nice-looking, like someone you'd have a crush over but never got the courage to tell her about it. She seemed friendly, fun to be with, had a lot of things to say that made sense and actually would help a lot of people. Good fashion sense, witty and rather quirky even.
But a few things made me say that she was rather peculiar. One, even though she posts these rather gorgeous pictures of herself, in very nice dresses and outfits, doing all sorts of poses and moves, there was something in her eyes that was rather off. It was as if her eyes had this look of calling out to you, a "Save me!" kind of expression in her eyes. But that could just be me, being all weird and stuff.
And this is where it gets real. I never noticed if she posted photos of her like these, but she had ones that showed her arms. Believe me there was nothing wrong with the picture at all, she was still her classy-looking self, but what stuck me was the state her arms were in.
One word: MUTILATED.
Yes, she literally cut herself in the arms. Real deep. You can actually see them, even though the photos weren't very detailed. Several scars were very prominent, that you could tell they hurt real bad when she did them. I may have done so myself a few times, but damn. What she did to herself was just scary.
She had her reasons, and I know the other people who did the same things to themselves had theirs, but it really saddens me that it happens too often, and it just grows more and more. I may never be able to understand why someone would put themselves on such an ordeal when clearly, they have suffered enough.I can say all the cliche things that I can about how life gets better, and how our past isn't something to mourn about and other stuff, but I guess only they can turn things around.
This reminds me of Edward Elric, from Fullmetal Alchemist. He and his brother Alphonse were in real deep shit when they tried, and failed, to revive their dead mother, at the cost of Ed's leg and Al's body. Ed was blaming himself the entire time for what happened to his brother and himself, but he didn't beat himself up about it. He may have blamed himself continually, but he never did any harm to himself. Instead, he bettered himself, and supported and cherished those he still had, reaching out for what he could, eventually gaining back what was stolen from him and his brother.
I guess I could never get the hang of dealing with the fact that people continue to hurt themselves for reasons I may never be able to know and comprehend, but I do know one thing.
Only you alone have the power to change how your life would turn out, not your past.
But a few things made me say that she was rather peculiar. One, even though she posts these rather gorgeous pictures of herself, in very nice dresses and outfits, doing all sorts of poses and moves, there was something in her eyes that was rather off. It was as if her eyes had this look of calling out to you, a "Save me!" kind of expression in her eyes. But that could just be me, being all weird and stuff.
And this is where it gets real. I never noticed if she posted photos of her like these, but she had ones that showed her arms. Believe me there was nothing wrong with the picture at all, she was still her classy-looking self, but what stuck me was the state her arms were in.
One word: MUTILATED.
Yes, she literally cut herself in the arms. Real deep. You can actually see them, even though the photos weren't very detailed. Several scars were very prominent, that you could tell they hurt real bad when she did them. I may have done so myself a few times, but damn. What she did to herself was just scary.
She had her reasons, and I know the other people who did the same things to themselves had theirs, but it really saddens me that it happens too often, and it just grows more and more. I may never be able to understand why someone would put themselves on such an ordeal when clearly, they have suffered enough.I can say all the cliche things that I can about how life gets better, and how our past isn't something to mourn about and other stuff, but I guess only they can turn things around.
This reminds me of Edward Elric, from Fullmetal Alchemist. He and his brother Alphonse were in real deep shit when they tried, and failed, to revive their dead mother, at the cost of Ed's leg and Al's body. Ed was blaming himself the entire time for what happened to his brother and himself, but he didn't beat himself up about it. He may have blamed himself continually, but he never did any harm to himself. Instead, he bettered himself, and supported and cherished those he still had, reaching out for what he could, eventually gaining back what was stolen from him and his brother.
I guess I could never get the hang of dealing with the fact that people continue to hurt themselves for reasons I may never be able to know and comprehend, but I do know one thing.
Only you alone have the power to change how your life would turn out, not your past.
10 June, 2012
Power of the Tongue
"Death and life are in the power of the tongue."
It's Sunday, and I just came home from church. Hey, don't you dare go all "Oh no, he's gonna be all preachy on us now!" This just came to me while I was sitting there listening to the sermon. It's one of those epiphanies one has in the most unusual of places. Well, I guess that wasn't that unusual in my case.
Well anyways, it came to me on the very first passage that was read, which you already read as well. Taken from the book of Proverbs, one would understand that this can be applied to all aspects of life. Be it in relationships, acquaintances, or even strangers. Words affect our lives, and people in it.
Words can break people, start wars, end relationships, build envy and wrath, and just basically bring out the bad in people. From the moment we were born till the day we die, some words will be too hard for us to bear silently.
From our childhood, we were made to listen to what our elders say, how they threaten us to be taken away by someone if we did bad things, how we might end up being taken away if we didn't eat our veggies or took our afternoon naps.
In school, we got insulted, people take behind our backs, spread rumors, and tell lies to us and those we know. Some words even cut so deep that it makes one snap, making them take the desperate way out, hurting themselves physically more than they already are, even ending their lives. And even worse, other people's lives.
At work, it goes on and on, bosses and co-workers alike will criticize your work, maybe even put you down just to get what they want. Your spouse, or even your kids, can also say the meanest things, out of disappointment, or discontent. Self-esteem and morale can go down with a single word we say. That's why they say that the tongue is like a double-edged sword. You may not see it now, but it'll hurt you too if you're not careful enough.
But words can also be used to soothe the soul, calm the spirit, and alleviate the pains of our hearts. It can motivate a person to move, it can make the simplest of things matter the most for someone. A little girl's cry can be hushed by words spoken warmly and gently. It can build up a lover's excitement over what is to come from a night of unbridled passion for each other. It can calm the shaky voice of a performer, awaiting his chance on the stage. It can unify two souls, oceans apart, as if God had intended for them to be with each other, despite their differences and complexities. Words that can rile up the passion of young souls to do the right thing, for men in power to rise above the system of corruption, for poor men to strive hard and not be a burden to society.
Ladies and gentlemen, words are but an expression of who we are and who we intend to be. They may not be tangible, but they strike hard on those we throw them at, and they caress soothingly to those we warmly utter them to.
Friends and readers, watch the words you use, be it written or spoken. Think before you say or type something you might regret later on. Be careful what the power of the tongue can do to you, and others.
It's Sunday, and I just came home from church. Hey, don't you dare go all "Oh no, he's gonna be all preachy on us now!" This just came to me while I was sitting there listening to the sermon. It's one of those epiphanies one has in the most unusual of places. Well, I guess that wasn't that unusual in my case.
Well anyways, it came to me on the very first passage that was read, which you already read as well. Taken from the book of Proverbs, one would understand that this can be applied to all aspects of life. Be it in relationships, acquaintances, or even strangers. Words affect our lives, and people in it.
Words can break people, start wars, end relationships, build envy and wrath, and just basically bring out the bad in people. From the moment we were born till the day we die, some words will be too hard for us to bear silently.
From our childhood, we were made to listen to what our elders say, how they threaten us to be taken away by someone if we did bad things, how we might end up being taken away if we didn't eat our veggies or took our afternoon naps.
In school, we got insulted, people take behind our backs, spread rumors, and tell lies to us and those we know. Some words even cut so deep that it makes one snap, making them take the desperate way out, hurting themselves physically more than they already are, even ending their lives. And even worse, other people's lives.
At work, it goes on and on, bosses and co-workers alike will criticize your work, maybe even put you down just to get what they want. Your spouse, or even your kids, can also say the meanest things, out of disappointment, or discontent. Self-esteem and morale can go down with a single word we say. That's why they say that the tongue is like a double-edged sword. You may not see it now, but it'll hurt you too if you're not careful enough.
But words can also be used to soothe the soul, calm the spirit, and alleviate the pains of our hearts. It can motivate a person to move, it can make the simplest of things matter the most for someone. A little girl's cry can be hushed by words spoken warmly and gently. It can build up a lover's excitement over what is to come from a night of unbridled passion for each other. It can calm the shaky voice of a performer, awaiting his chance on the stage. It can unify two souls, oceans apart, as if God had intended for them to be with each other, despite their differences and complexities. Words that can rile up the passion of young souls to do the right thing, for men in power to rise above the system of corruption, for poor men to strive hard and not be a burden to society.
Ladies and gentlemen, words are but an expression of who we are and who we intend to be. They may not be tangible, but they strike hard on those we throw them at, and they caress soothingly to those we warmly utter them to.
Friends and readers, watch the words you use, be it written or spoken. Think before you say or type something you might regret later on. Be careful what the power of the tongue can do to you, and others.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)