June 30, 2010
Today was a day that surely wasn't gonna be forgotten for a while, not only by me, but also by a whole lot of other people. Some might say that it's just another holiday or just another day of salary collection, but for some it was monumental!
Three things happened today that made it monumental:
1. An inauguration of a president
2. A premier of a famous novel-turned-movie
3. Rekindling of a flame that was almost put out
So my day started like any other, except I had no classes. President Noynoy Aquino was inaugurated today. I thought to myself that it was another rest day, which was great. But I did make plans with a girl I loved, lost, and now, love again. She reached me through Facebook and text messages, and we agreed to meet. I was nervous because of the fact that we have been apart for a year now.
But it turned out great. W e went to drop off something, buy a book, then ate lunch, then watched a movie. We reminisced a lot, shared a few laughs and teased each other just like we used to back then, only this time we went all out, because no one was there to judge or hush us up. I had one of the best days of my life as of late that day. It was funny how life plays you.
But what was really funny was what happened a few minutes after we met. We were sitting ona couch in this open cafe. As we were talking, asking stuff about each other and sharing the warmth of each other in a hug, a person promoting a gym approached us on two different yet, succeeding occasions, with a few minutes' interval. They asked if I attended a gym and such, which I replied to positively. Then they asked about the girl I was with, who I was wooing. But they referred to her as my girlfriend, which made her giggle, and hug me more. And then I courteously sent them away by saying she didn't need one as of now. I was really gonna crack up if a third one followed, but we had to leave.
All in all, it was a great day. I only wish it was the same for her, and I do hope that that day wouldn't be our last.
Oh, she calls me her "teddy bear" because I'm warmer than usual and a great hugger.
*wink wink*
30 June, 2010
24 June, 2010
It's Gonna Rain
And right after my post, it rained! It started raining buckets! Good thing I got home early.
Speaking of rain, have you heard or known of the phrase "Rain on my/your parade?" Well, a lot of you might not know that it has happened to you. To have someone 'rain on your parade' is when someone utters something that will set you into a bad mood, especially when you're in a good mood. Kinda like when you're munching on raisin bread, only to be warned that what you're eating is actually week-old bread.
Yeah, not a very good feeling, isn't it?
Well, we sometimes do this without even knowing it. As much as we'd like to say something less hurtful, it always ends up that way.
And isn't it ironic that when something like that happens, it happens all at once. Like the saying, "When it rains, it pours...," a domino effect will happen when someone sets you off into a bad mood. It's as if everything doesn't agree to you. The whole universe is in conflict with you and that nothing you do or say turns out okay.
It's one hell of a ride, if you ask me. So next time you're going to rain of someone's parade, take a second thought. Maybe he/she needs a breather. Maybe I should take it easy on him. Maybe he/she's having a rough time already.
Think, before you speak.
Speaking of rain, have you heard or known of the phrase "Rain on my/your parade?" Well, a lot of you might not know that it has happened to you. To have someone 'rain on your parade' is when someone utters something that will set you into a bad mood, especially when you're in a good mood. Kinda like when you're munching on raisin bread, only to be warned that what you're eating is actually week-old bread.
Yeah, not a very good feeling, isn't it?
Well, we sometimes do this without even knowing it. As much as we'd like to say something less hurtful, it always ends up that way.
And isn't it ironic that when something like that happens, it happens all at once. Like the saying, "When it rains, it pours...," a domino effect will happen when someone sets you off into a bad mood. It's as if everything doesn't agree to you. The whole universe is in conflict with you and that nothing you do or say turns out okay.
It's one hell of a ride, if you ask me. So next time you're going to rain of someone's parade, take a second thought. Maybe he/she needs a breather. Maybe I should take it easy on him. Maybe he/she's having a rough time already.
Think, before you speak.
Tongue-Tied
It's been a two weeks of non-stop collegiate-level stress and workload for me and my classmates. I was surprised that I have enough time to rest and do this blog. I'm actually nervous that I might be burning precious hours on aimless procrastination, rather than something profitable. I feel guilty that I'm even using my laptop for something other than what I'm supposed to do.
But still, even though I know that this is detrimental to the betterment of my studies, I can't help but voice out things that I can't really say out loud. Something that brings us to the topic of this blog.
For years, I've tried hard to keep feelings I had hidden and bottled up, only to dump them in text messages, status messages, songs, and what-not with encrypted or indirect phrases that refer to only one person. It became almost like an impulse. As if it was a daily routine that became involuntary. Which was weird since none of them were ever decrypted or figured out.
Up to this day, I hide behind secret I love you's hidden between the lines of my messages and written words, only to be known to my mind and heart, and, most of the time, not hers.
I can never truly express myself in any way that will have someone to never ask a question, or raise an eyebrow. Everyone will always have to figure out what I have said, and will always be a complex puzzle that is unwilling to be solved any time soon. Say that I'm stubborn or thick-headed, I don't care. I'd rather be this way than to be broken down again. I'd rather live with the fact that she'll never figure out that I love her more than a friend should, than experience another heart ache after another hopeless attempt to make her fall for me.
I'll always be tongue-tied, cautious, and unassertive to blurt out my feelings and emotions. I can live with pouring them out on a place where only the determined and willing will find it. Just as long as I'll never be hurt as much as I was when I last did something as stupid as assume that if I confessed, she's love me back as I did.
Never again.
But still, even though I know that this is detrimental to the betterment of my studies, I can't help but voice out things that I can't really say out loud. Something that brings us to the topic of this blog.
For years, I've tried hard to keep feelings I had hidden and bottled up, only to dump them in text messages, status messages, songs, and what-not with encrypted or indirect phrases that refer to only one person. It became almost like an impulse. As if it was a daily routine that became involuntary. Which was weird since none of them were ever decrypted or figured out.
Up to this day, I hide behind secret I love you's hidden between the lines of my messages and written words, only to be known to my mind and heart, and, most of the time, not hers.
I can never truly express myself in any way that will have someone to never ask a question, or raise an eyebrow. Everyone will always have to figure out what I have said, and will always be a complex puzzle that is unwilling to be solved any time soon. Say that I'm stubborn or thick-headed, I don't care. I'd rather be this way than to be broken down again. I'd rather live with the fact that she'll never figure out that I love her more than a friend should, than experience another heart ache after another hopeless attempt to make her fall for me.
I'll always be tongue-tied, cautious, and unassertive to blurt out my feelings and emotions. I can live with pouring them out on a place where only the determined and willing will find it. Just as long as I'll never be hurt as much as I was when I last did something as stupid as assume that if I confessed, she's love me back as I did.
Never again.
16 June, 2010
Wear That Smile
"I'm okay..."
Both the easiest and the hardest thing to say, especially after countless heartaches and failures.
I have this tendency to be the volunteer martyr when it comes to relationships and a few other things. I often times don't argue or shout, I don't even raise my voice any higher than anyone already raising theirs. I just keep quiet and go with what is happening.
It may be lame or even weak in some people's perspective, but for me, it's as if I'm doing them a favor by not being a bother to their decisions. I let them decide on what would make them happy or satisfied, and let them be with said choice.
"Who am I to deprive you of your happiness and satisfaction?"
If it makes you comfortable and happy, go. I would care less if you left me, replaced me, insulted me, degraded me, as long as it makes you happy. All I'm going to say is, "It's okay, I'm alright, Don't worry, I can manage."
Even though often times, it really isn't. Even though deep down inside this sick, twisted mind of mine, I'm dictating to myself how idiotic and stupid I was.
To deny one's self of your satisfaction for the sake of another, is something I am fond of doing. Not for the praise of anyone, but because it's my way of getting back at the crappy stuff I've been doing these past 19 years.
I'll keep on saying I'm okay, I'll keep on smiling even though I'm hurt. Just so you wont be sad about me.
Both the easiest and the hardest thing to say, especially after countless heartaches and failures.
I have this tendency to be the volunteer martyr when it comes to relationships and a few other things. I often times don't argue or shout, I don't even raise my voice any higher than anyone already raising theirs. I just keep quiet and go with what is happening.
It may be lame or even weak in some people's perspective, but for me, it's as if I'm doing them a favor by not being a bother to their decisions. I let them decide on what would make them happy or satisfied, and let them be with said choice.
"Who am I to deprive you of your happiness and satisfaction?"
If it makes you comfortable and happy, go. I would care less if you left me, replaced me, insulted me, degraded me, as long as it makes you happy. All I'm going to say is, "It's okay, I'm alright, Don't worry, I can manage."
Even though often times, it really isn't. Even though deep down inside this sick, twisted mind of mine, I'm dictating to myself how idiotic and stupid I was.
To deny one's self of your satisfaction for the sake of another, is something I am fond of doing. Not for the praise of anyone, but because it's my way of getting back at the crappy stuff I've been doing these past 19 years.
I'll keep on saying I'm okay, I'll keep on smiling even though I'm hurt. Just so you wont be sad about me.
13 June, 2010
To Deny One's Self
So a few days ago, I attended a seminar somewhere in the Metro. It had something to do with being able to generate your own income at our own pace. I was overwhelmed by the number of people who were willing to participate, as I stood there inside a crowded venue, the person who brought me there raising her voice to accommodate me. She was so enthusiastic about it that I couldn't say no. So I agreed to listen to the speakers and try to digest everything they presented. After the seminar, which kinda blew me away, I tried to rethink about what I just did and what I was about to get into.
At first I thought, "Wow, this could really be my lucky break. I can finally buy this and that, etc." But the cautious man that I am, I tried to feign deciding upon it. I really did want to earn more, to help my parents with the financial demands, as well as to alleviate my longings. I then thought, "How will Ma and Pa take this? They never agreed to me having a job, much more something like this." It kinda scared me as well, to be handling that amount of money. So as expected, I had trouble sleeping. Partly because I had some issues that were still unresolved as well as the offer I was being pressured to take.
The next day, I went home to Cavite with a heavy load on my back. My mother noticed this, but I avoided discussion and just faked being tired. Yes, I was tired, but not that tired. It was the struggle inside me, something that kept coming back up even when I try to push it back down. Again, I slept that night the same way I did the night before.
Come Sunday, I sighed heavily as I sat in bed, thinking things through. I tried to make as little of a fuss about it as I could, only to have a migraine join in on the fray that is my thoughts. I tried hard to keep it together as I attended church service.
This is where things turned better.
With the fact that I was never really good at decisions, and that I can't bear to tell my parents about it, I knew that if this continued on, I might not be able to concentrate on the task ahead of me.
But what greeted me at church, as I listened to the preaching intently, was something that certain eased the tension, and finally gave me peace of mind about the matter.
The missionary preacher talked about contentment, and how one can learn to develop such a noble trait. He said that "One must learn the lesson of self-denial in order to be content." That phrase got me, but it didn't stop there. He also said, "We are nothing, we came to this world with nothing, and we shall leave with nothing." I agreed whole-heartedly. We came to this world, and shall leave it too, with nothing in our hands, no clothes in our backs, FROM DUST TO DUST.
The preacher also talked about how vanity is but vanity. To gain material wealth, only to lose it in the end. I realized that no matter how much I make out of myself and the things I have, on Judgment Day, we will all be tried and tested the same way, to see whether we go up or down, live in eternal happiness or perish in the unforgiving flames. It was a realization that had a sigh of relief along with it.
I was thankful that day for the preacher and his message, as well as to my family who introduced me to being spiritually faithful and devoted. And I most especially thank Him for bringing that message to the heart of that pastor.
He never really will fail you in your time of need.
At first I thought, "Wow, this could really be my lucky break. I can finally buy this and that, etc." But the cautious man that I am, I tried to feign deciding upon it. I really did want to earn more, to help my parents with the financial demands, as well as to alleviate my longings. I then thought, "How will Ma and Pa take this? They never agreed to me having a job, much more something like this." It kinda scared me as well, to be handling that amount of money. So as expected, I had trouble sleeping. Partly because I had some issues that were still unresolved as well as the offer I was being pressured to take.
The next day, I went home to Cavite with a heavy load on my back. My mother noticed this, but I avoided discussion and just faked being tired. Yes, I was tired, but not that tired. It was the struggle inside me, something that kept coming back up even when I try to push it back down. Again, I slept that night the same way I did the night before.
Come Sunday, I sighed heavily as I sat in bed, thinking things through. I tried to make as little of a fuss about it as I could, only to have a migraine join in on the fray that is my thoughts. I tried hard to keep it together as I attended church service.
This is where things turned better.
With the fact that I was never really good at decisions, and that I can't bear to tell my parents about it, I knew that if this continued on, I might not be able to concentrate on the task ahead of me.
But what greeted me at church, as I listened to the preaching intently, was something that certain eased the tension, and finally gave me peace of mind about the matter.
The missionary preacher talked about contentment, and how one can learn to develop such a noble trait. He said that "One must learn the lesson of self-denial in order to be content." That phrase got me, but it didn't stop there. He also said, "We are nothing, we came to this world with nothing, and we shall leave with nothing." I agreed whole-heartedly. We came to this world, and shall leave it too, with nothing in our hands, no clothes in our backs, FROM DUST TO DUST.
The preacher also talked about how vanity is but vanity. To gain material wealth, only to lose it in the end. I realized that no matter how much I make out of myself and the things I have, on Judgment Day, we will all be tried and tested the same way, to see whether we go up or down, live in eternal happiness or perish in the unforgiving flames. It was a realization that had a sigh of relief along with it.
I was thankful that day for the preacher and his message, as well as to my family who introduced me to being spiritually faithful and devoted. And I most especially thank Him for bringing that message to the heart of that pastor.
He never really will fail you in your time of need.
09 June, 2010
White Flag
"Fall down seven times, get up eight."
I remembered that quote from a commercial while I was watching this sports channel. It had a short, yet meaningful message to never give up. Whatever happens, never give in, never lose hope, never say never.
But how can one stand back up again, when he's drained and beaten far beyond recognition?
How can one fight back, when he knows he's on a losing battle? How can one find the will to fight for what he wants, when, in the end, he knows he won't ever get it?
To lose someone you love is something no one would like. It hurts less than manually pulling out a tooth with pliers, but it hurts more than getting knifed in the flank. Certainly not a pretty sight to behold. Also something hard to nurse and shoo away.
There can be a lot of reasons why someone loses the one he or she holds dear, and one of them is giving up. Giving up, as many would call it, is a weak and cowardice act, no matter what circumstances there is. But will you keep on running across a hall of broken glass if on the other end is a sea of lemon juice?
Will you keep holding onto a hot potato even if it's not for you?
Will you be the martyr just to see him or her happy with someone else holding him/her?
Will you forever be the hopeless romantic who will only be a stepping stone to someone else's happiness, with not even a slight of appreciation?
Where's the pride and dignity in that? If you can't give yourself a stable relationship, at least give yourself the dignity and humanity to continue after the failures. To give your all for nothing in return, is noble. But if you're not out there to save humanity, and only to woo one person in this world overrun with leeches and parasites, you're stupid.
Never give everything you have, leave some for yourself. Learn to know when it's okay to let it go, and just move on. Learn to say no. Learn to wave goodbye with a smile as you see someone you love in the arms of another, knowing they're happier. Learn to know when to raise the white flag and save yourself the trouble of sinking in too deep beyond salvation.
I remembered that quote from a commercial while I was watching this sports channel. It had a short, yet meaningful message to never give up. Whatever happens, never give in, never lose hope, never say never.
But how can one stand back up again, when he's drained and beaten far beyond recognition?
How can one fight back, when he knows he's on a losing battle? How can one find the will to fight for what he wants, when, in the end, he knows he won't ever get it?
To lose someone you love is something no one would like. It hurts less than manually pulling out a tooth with pliers, but it hurts more than getting knifed in the flank. Certainly not a pretty sight to behold. Also something hard to nurse and shoo away.
There can be a lot of reasons why someone loses the one he or she holds dear, and one of them is giving up. Giving up, as many would call it, is a weak and cowardice act, no matter what circumstances there is. But will you keep on running across a hall of broken glass if on the other end is a sea of lemon juice?
Will you keep holding onto a hot potato even if it's not for you?
Will you be the martyr just to see him or her happy with someone else holding him/her?
Will you forever be the hopeless romantic who will only be a stepping stone to someone else's happiness, with not even a slight of appreciation?
Where's the pride and dignity in that? If you can't give yourself a stable relationship, at least give yourself the dignity and humanity to continue after the failures. To give your all for nothing in return, is noble. But if you're not out there to save humanity, and only to woo one person in this world overrun with leeches and parasites, you're stupid.
Never give everything you have, leave some for yourself. Learn to know when it's okay to let it go, and just move on. Learn to say no. Learn to wave goodbye with a smile as you see someone you love in the arms of another, knowing they're happier. Learn to know when to raise the white flag and save yourself the trouble of sinking in too deep beyond salvation.
04 June, 2010
A Liar's Heart
Has anyone ever broken a promise they made to you? Has anyone ever said something to you but proved otherwise? Has someone told you something that never really had meaning or truth in them?
We all know how it feels when we feel that someone lied and made a fool out of us. Sometimes, it doesn't happen once, but twice, maybe even thrice, or more. But how come, no matter how small, we tend to lie to get things in our favor?
Be it to obtain something tangible, to be in a place out of our bounds, to remove us from a demeaning or demanding situation, or pretty much everything that works to our liking, we lie.
But what worse way to lie to someone than to tell of feelings of love and belonging, only to leave them hanging and broken, strewn on the floor. To sing, tell, or write of love, love that was only present in order to receive, but never there when they had their fill.
You feel used, like a toy or a dishrag. Anything that one usually throws away after use.
REPLACEABLE, DISPENSABLE, TEMPORARY.
You start to realize how unimportant you are to the person who lied to you, knowing that he or she will only be there if ever he or she needs anything you have to offer. But once he or she is done, it's bridges a-burnin'!! As if you're an insignificant, minuscule partition of his or her lifetime.
A truly depressing feeling to have, but something a lot of us have been oriented to, first-hand or not.
But my question is:
WHY DO WE STILL DO IT, EVEN IF WE KNOW THAT WE'LL EVENTUALLY BE HURTING SOMEONE?
Tell me why...YOU HAVE A LIAR'S HEART?
We all know how it feels when we feel that someone lied and made a fool out of us. Sometimes, it doesn't happen once, but twice, maybe even thrice, or more. But how come, no matter how small, we tend to lie to get things in our favor?
Be it to obtain something tangible, to be in a place out of our bounds, to remove us from a demeaning or demanding situation, or pretty much everything that works to our liking, we lie.
But what worse way to lie to someone than to tell of feelings of love and belonging, only to leave them hanging and broken, strewn on the floor. To sing, tell, or write of love, love that was only present in order to receive, but never there when they had their fill.
You feel used, like a toy or a dishrag. Anything that one usually throws away after use.
REPLACEABLE, DISPENSABLE, TEMPORARY.
You start to realize how unimportant you are to the person who lied to you, knowing that he or she will only be there if ever he or she needs anything you have to offer. But once he or she is done, it's bridges a-burnin'!! As if you're an insignificant, minuscule partition of his or her lifetime.
A truly depressing feeling to have, but something a lot of us have been oriented to, first-hand or not.
But my question is:
WHY DO WE STILL DO IT, EVEN IF WE KNOW THAT WE'LL EVENTUALLY BE HURTING SOMEONE?
Tell me why...YOU HAVE A LIAR'S HEART?
03 June, 2010
Plea of The Accused
Ever had that moment in your life where nothing you say is actually accepted as something true or worth believing? As if every thing you utter is nonsense and bullshit? A rerun of the fable "The Boy who Cried Wolf" if you will. Even if you try to clear things up, even when you try to tell something that is true, they still consider otherwise.
It's one pain in the ass.
I experienced that just a few clicks from this blog. Had a phone call from a girl. She said that everything that I said to her was bullshit and that I lied to her, when in fact I didn't. I tried my best to reach out and make her understand the validity of my witness, but to no avail.
I got mad. I blurted out how frustrating it is to be always on trial, with my only choice was to admit my deceit even when I am innocent to begin with. I tried to tell her that it was all in her head, that she thought of things in the wrong way. I corrected her, maybe in a way that might have hurt her more than make her realize it. I failed to make her hear my plea.
But how can I? She made up her mind. No matter what I said, it was all the same. You lied. YOU LIED. Fingers pointing at me, as if it was my fault. And as if I did something that was a bane to life itself, as if I did something so despicable, no mere apology can end it. She closed her ears and heart to what I have to say.
I sigh with a heavy heart as I make this blog, realizing that I can never repair a trust that's broken, even if it was her own doing, and not mine. All I can do is be patient and let her know that even if she thinks I'm nothing but a lying bastard, I'll always love her.
"Love is long-suffering."
It's one pain in the ass.
I experienced that just a few clicks from this blog. Had a phone call from a girl. She said that everything that I said to her was bullshit and that I lied to her, when in fact I didn't. I tried my best to reach out and make her understand the validity of my witness, but to no avail.
I got mad. I blurted out how frustrating it is to be always on trial, with my only choice was to admit my deceit even when I am innocent to begin with. I tried to tell her that it was all in her head, that she thought of things in the wrong way. I corrected her, maybe in a way that might have hurt her more than make her realize it. I failed to make her hear my plea.
But how can I? She made up her mind. No matter what I said, it was all the same. You lied. YOU LIED. Fingers pointing at me, as if it was my fault. And as if I did something that was a bane to life itself, as if I did something so despicable, no mere apology can end it. She closed her ears and heart to what I have to say.
I sigh with a heavy heart as I make this blog, realizing that I can never repair a trust that's broken, even if it was her own doing, and not mine. All I can do is be patient and let her know that even if she thinks I'm nothing but a lying bastard, I'll always love her.
"Love is long-suffering."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)