Your Memory Will Carry On

So last night I was given, or rather I have come across some very unfortunate and disgruntling news.



So I dug around and sure enough people aren't too happy about this sudden and unexplained tragedy. People started asking questions, some are in denial like me, but most just want to know why they did this so suddenly. But the question still remains as to what happened to cause such things to happen. And what of the album they were working on? Will that be scrapped? Will it be released? So many questions left unanswered.

Some few have concluded that it may well be a publicity stunt, or that they're just getting fans riled up. Or that someone hacked into the website and posted above shown paragraph. It was so brief and vague that a lot of fans felt deceived, brokenhearted, and their trust broken as well.

I could understand the extent of heartbreak my fellow fans are having right now, with people posting photos and making GIF's and listening to all the albums they have with them. For 12 years they were with us, holding our hand as we struggled with our inner demons, fought the sadness that would have consumed us had we not taken their songs to heart, and helped us find who we are, and learned to accept ourselves.

If you've known me long enough, you'd know that this band was one of the few that had a major effect on how I am now. I heard "Helena" from their Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge album, released 2005, on the radio, and that was the start of my love for the band. I remember first hearing it on the radio, the chorus really getting to me, but I didn't get to listen to the entire song at first, so I had to wait for a chance to see it on TV. And sure enough I got to listen to it, and watch the amazing music video it came with. And since then, I've done nothing but admire each song, really listening to them.

Thus I was a fan of all their albums, knowing most if not all of the songs they have ever sang and released. Sure I wasn't a hardcore fan, but I was a fan nonetheless. I may not have had the chance to go to any of their concerts, but to be able to partake in the music, and the hope it came with, was something good enough for me.

They say that music can save lives, and sure enough they did. I read people saying that had it not been for My Chemical Romance, they would never have gotten to where they are now. They would have left the world of the living long before. And I can attest to that, for their songs are what drove me to keep hope alive inside me even though the world seemed cruel and haunting. When people in your life misunderstood you, they didn't. They told you that you will get through this, that you're strong, that you're destined to be greater than what you lead on to believe. They told you that you were accepted, that you have to be who you want to be, and that no matter how broken and beaten you are, you have to march on.

Again, I can understand the grief this sad news bring to everyone who grew up listening to them. Watching them at live concert, in their televisions, or computers, and listening to them all the time, or when things around them are crumbling down. They were a pillar we could lean on, a friend we can hang on to, a hand that guided us through the dark. They understood us, know of our struggles, and felt our pain.

It is with a sad heart that I take this news, but I refuse to believe that My Chemical Romance has died. I refuse to accept that they will die, burned into ashes. I refuse.

For I now that even if they DO die, the impact they have had on people's lives, the strength they sent to each and every one of us, the will to survive they bestowed to those who were about to break, it will all live on inside of us. In every song we have in our hearts, with every word we sing, with every lesson you had to teach.

"Your memory will carry on."

The Platinum Rule

So today I watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother, one of the best shows I have come to know. And to be honest, it has helped me cope with relationships and other things. I could easily relate to some of the characters, be it their quirks or feelings towards different circumstances. But then again, this is just some of the few. And I rarely get to that point where I see myself in the characters.

And so, the episode that I watched was about Ted going to meet an old acquaintance, his doctor to be exact. And this was met with disapproval from his friends because of the Platinum rule, which states,

"Never ever, ever, ever love they neighbor."

The point of the rule was to never date someone whom you meet on a regular basis, like a co-worker, a neighbor, or the waitress at your favorite bar. They were deemed to never work out and that such relationships result to agony that goes on and on. And to further the argument, 8 steps were provided to explain how this develops.

Step 1: Attraction

You get attracted to someone, because of something you saw that really got you interested. Maybe its appearance, some characteristics, hobbies, etc. Anything that would make you instantly like someone.

For me, it was because she was different from other girls. She wasn't the typical girly girl who was always into cute stuff and all that. She pretty much liked most of the things I do. And I honestly saw myself spending the rest of my days with her.

Step 2: Bargaining

People end up trying to talk you out of it, saying that its a bad idea. But you still push through saying it won't happen to you. You might agree it's a bad idea, but you still think it'll be okay. You might start to notice a few things that might be a warning sign already, but you shrug it off and try not to think about it too much.

In my case, I was conflicted with myself a lot of times because on the first time I was so sure she won't like me at all, but as time went by and we tried it a couple of times, I gave in and said to myself that maybe it'll work out just fine in the end despite the unsteady nature of the relationship. Boy was I wrong.  At the beginning of the on-off relationship, I tried to push her away because she wanted something less than what I wanted and she knew that. We were at a conflict on few occasions. After a few back and forth's, it never occurred to me that there was a problem, and I kept going. I just thought to myself that maybe they were just hurdles to overcome.

Step 3: Submission

You give in, you take the plunge, you do the deed. Against every disapproving argument, you go for it. It may start simple at first, just a few dates here and there, even with other friends accompanying you. It may seem harmless at first, but it slowly turns into something you just can't resist. You yield to advances and heed to the calls.

For someone who was so cautious and indecisive, I never knew I would do something like it. It felt like I was so sure despite the facts presented to me and all the difficulties the relationship had. We did it all, we fooled around. It was passionate at times, and I guess we just let go of whatever it was that held us back. It was scary at some points, but I took the leap and jumped the gun. I thought on the present and let "future me" handle the rest. And "present me" now wants to kick "past me's" ass right now.

Step 4: Perks

As the title suggest, the things you gain as you push through with the relationship. Be it the company, material things, or the thought of being in one, it's something that benefits you. It may be small or big, but it really makes you think that it's still a good idea.

To me, it was the fact that I had someone I can actually call my girlfriend. And to be able to exert all the affection and passion that I have pent up within me. Also, I had company and someone to confide with most times, I had someone to talk to other than the people I already talk to, I shared secrets, things only a select few would have known. It gave me assurance that I chose wisely.

Step 5: The Tipping Point

This is where things get epiphanic. (It's an actual word, look it up.) You start to realize what a mistake it was to have done what you did, accepting the relationship and pushing through despite the naysayers. You see the little things, or maybe come across a  problem too big to handle. Be it sudden or gradual, you begin to realize that things are getting out of hand and that you're getting way in too deep.

For me, it wasn't too long. It actually got me earlier, but I never acted on it. I guess it was because I was so far into the relationship that trying to regain control and having things my way would only lead to unnecessary hang ups. A lot of things made me thing twice about it, and most of them were things I could have contested and tried to point out. I guess I just loved her too much to actually say that she was doing something I didn't approve of or didn't like at all. I should have known better and acted upon it earlier.

Step 6: Purgatory

This is when you realize and ACCEPT that you were an idiot and that having to deal with it would be torture on your part. You regret having started it all and now have to deal with what you brought upon yourself. Headtabling (when you bang your head on the table again and again, proclaiming you're an idiot) will occur.

And proclaim myself an idiot I did. I scoffed myself for actually believing that I would be able to make someone stay with me and that I was worth waiting for. Clearly she thought otherwise. I would have proceeded to headtable all day long if it were possible. I ended up having no relationship AND a broken heart, while she just brushed it off like crumbs off a plate.

Step 7: Confrontation

The time to act. You realize there is a problem and you try to get it fixed. All attempts to terminate the relationship is made, almost always ending messy. Knowing this, you make an effort to NOT make it messy, and usually it still down down the drain.

I'm never good with confrontation, but sooner or later it had to happen. And it did. We were civil about it, though I still think that it wasn't supposed to be that way. It was like she didn't care one bit about it. I guess when you've involved yourself with something way more than the receiving party does, you really get emotional when it ends the way it did mine. An agreement was made and it felt horrible.

Step 8: Fallout

This is the messy part. Things turn to shit here and its hard for your end of things. You can't bear to deal with the fact that things ended and that you're pretty much left with nothing. You have to put up with it since you'll be seeing more of them and you can't say anything that would take things back.

Even though we're miles apart, I still think that I'm affected by this. Though physically apart, I still get that feeling that I'd have to deal with the fact that she didn't bat an eye when things ended. And the likelihood that she might end up loving someone better than she loved me, just thrusts a jagged knife through me. I'm really trying my hardest to try to stay intact and not fall apart all the time. And the fact that I now have to get used to saying to people that I'm single, just when I've gotten used to being "taken."


My point in presenting this rule is that even though I initially wouldn't have to deal with it on a regular basis, it was something that hit me hard. Dealing with something like a relationship you shouldn't have taken, or would have been better off not taking at all, isn't easy and usually breaks you. You're never the same person, and it's a painful lesson.

But there's a ninth step.

Step 9: Coexistence

You realize that feeling bad about it, being bitter or resentful, won't do anyone any good. You learn to deal with it in a positive way, and learn from it and become a better man.

Hopefully this part comes to me, and to be able to smile, wave at them, say my hello's and not having to keep myself together, would be nice. I know that someday I'll be able to accept that she may not be the woman I will marry, or that she may be just a friend and should stay that way. I really look forward to this step and I'm sure she'd love for that to happen as well.

That's it for tonight, and I hope you enjoyed reading this. It may be all over the place, but I appreciate if you read it still. I wish I had more things to write about and that I had enough time for it. Maybe next time. 

Of Buses and Trains

Today, I learned how to use the bus line around Torrance, California. I had to because I needed to know how to get to the adult school I recently registered to. And with no car yet, public transit was the only solution.

It was a nice experience, one that reminded me of college days when I used to take public transportation going to my campus and other places. From overcrowded trains, to clunky jeepneys, to daredevil buses. I missed it, the thrill and challenge of it all. It was one of the few things I was good at, in my opinion. I could go places just by taking time to observe routes and stops. With an adequate sense of direction and wanderlust, it was one of the most fulfilling things I did.

For some reason, I preferred public transportation over driving a car. It may well be because I don't want to worry about driving, or that most of the time I'll be on my own. One of the things I love about traveling as such is the interesting people you run into along the way. Each and every one had a story to tell, one different from the next. Yet we share a common trait, we share but one thing.  We all had a place to go to, a place we end up at. We each had our destinations. Some got on and off the same places, while others traded places. Gazes meet, elbows rub. While most kept to themselves, some are eager to share a friendly greeting and a hearty smile.

Then there's the places you pass by. Views you won't be able to appreciate if you're driving, as you're focused on following rules and being safe (Not that I have anything against it. To be honest, I implore you people to follow the rules of the road and be safe when you drive). I know what you're thinking, "There's not much to see, even if you have time to look at them." Well I for one am very appreciative of the simple things that people don't tend to notice. Like new buildings, various colors of flowers, the pedestrians walking around, and a lot of other things. People are so busy that they fail to see beauty in the little things. There's a lot of awesome things to see if you just took the time and chance to see them.

So all in all, this day was nostalgic to say the least. I look forward to the many trips that I take from now on. If and when I do get my own car, I will still make a point to use public transportation, just to remind me of my roots. And an escape from being boxed in.