Cardiology is hard!

For a few days now, I've been doing a lot of thinking. On things like how I should conduct myself once I graduate and move to another country as a soon-to-be professional. And how I should be more mature about things like money, connections, responsibilities, and relationships. The latter, which I have been treading on for quite some time now, hasn't been the best of the facets of my journey growing up.

I began to develop feelings for someone I knew didn't feel the same. My best friend. She probably knew about it, but shunned it away. But it could hold it only for so long, that I made a terrible mistake of telling her. And unfortunately for me, it ended in shambles. Broken-hearted, I stepped into college thinking that this would be a fresh start. But little did I know it would end up the same way, over and over again, loving someone I can never have or can never be with for reason obvious to everyone, yet ignored by my heart. I asked myself countless times why it ended so sourly, what did I do wrong, and what was wrong with me. I even blamed the women I've been with for the bitter halts of our relationships.

But a few days ago, it dawned upon me. It occurred to me why I always ended up having such bad, bumpy, and unstable dealings of the heart.

It's because I was still immature. I have an immature heart that is hard-headed and won't learn from the lessons given by each heartache. I need to work on my cardiology, the study of the heart.

So to avoid this cycle of hurtful lies, painful farewells, and wasted efforts, I have to say goodbye to love. No, it doesn't mean I wont love ever again. I just need time out. I just need to rethink everything I have done for the last eight years of stress I have put my heart into.

I need time to take care of my heart. I need to learn the lessons. I have to teach myself what it means to love. I have to learn to love myself before I start loving again.

I don't know how long it will take me, or how much it would change me, but I hope no one waits for me because of this.

Another reason why I wanna stop this, is because I don't want to be a bother to anyone anymore.

So here's to being the student of the "real world" and its cruel, harsh lessons.

See you when I see you. Wish me luck as I study Cardiology (no, not the medicine aspect). You know what I mean.