So recently I got into a fight with my girlfriend. And it was a big one. One thing led to another, and here I am, stuck in a void of her silence. I took responsibility for what happened and what I said and did. It was all my fault. I admitted it, I even took cussing from her. But here we are, in a cold state in which I am probably suffering more than she is.
It has always been that way. At least in my standpoint. It's always been me who took the blame, who took the blow, who did everything to win her back. But was I ever enough for her?
NO.
I've always fallen short, I've always given less than demand. I've always been the one who did not do enough. I have always been inadequate. I can see it clearly, I can feel her judging me for it.
She's always admiring these ridiculously attractive people, tell me how good looking they are, how great they are, etc etc. I cannot agree with her more that said personalities are indeed appealing and talented. But it puts a pressure on me to be something I will never be. It's unfair because I never mentioned anyone that would make her feel the same way.
I know I shouldn't be feeling like this, nor should I be thinking that she's comparing me to anyone at all, but it's still enough to make me feel that I'm never gonna be her vision of great or wonderful.
I was never beyond average, and I've come to admit that. But it sucks that I'm powerless whenever her attention drifts towards someone I can never become.
You may say I'm just asking for too much, but the thing is she never really put that much attention to me as one might think. I can understand when she's busy with something important, but most days she shuns me away while she's doing something unimportant or playing some game.
I must be boring her so much that she never bothers to talk to me as much as she did before. She must be thinking that she should be with someone far better than me. I wouldn't blame her.
But I love her, and it would kill me to lose her again. I will not take no for an answer. But even if she does end up leaving me for someone else, I will continue to love and fight for her, even if it takes me a lifetime.
