Tongue-Tied

It's been a two weeks of non-stop collegiate-level stress and workload for me and my classmates. I was surprised that I have enough time to rest and do this blog. I'm actually nervous that I might be burning precious hours on aimless procrastination, rather than something profitable. I feel guilty that I'm even using my laptop for something other than what I'm supposed to do.

But still, even though I know that this is detrimental to the betterment of my studies, I can't help but voice out things that I can't really say out loud. Something that brings us to the topic of this blog.

For years, I've tried hard to keep feelings I had hidden and bottled up, only to dump them in text messages, status messages, songs, and what-not with encrypted or indirect phrases that refer to only one person. It became almost like an impulse. As if it was a daily routine that became involuntary. Which was weird since none of them were ever decrypted or figured out.

Up to this day, I hide behind secret I love you's hidden between the lines of my messages and written words, only to be known to my mind and heart, and, most of the time, not hers.

I can never truly express myself in any way that will have someone to never ask a question, or raise an eyebrow. Everyone will always have to figure out what I have said, and will always be a complex puzzle that is unwilling to be solved any time soon. Say that I'm stubborn or thick-headed, I don't care. I'd rather be this way than to be broken down again. I'd rather live with the fact that she'll never figure out that I love her more than a friend should, than experience another heart ache after another hopeless attempt to make her fall for me.

I'll always be tongue-tied, cautious, and unassertive to blurt out my feelings and emotions. I can live with pouring them out on a place where only the determined and willing will find it. Just as long as I'll never be hurt as much as I was when I last did something as stupid as assume that if I confessed, she's love me back as I did.

Never again.